Sadness is the Anti-Pheromone

Brought to you by an epiphany during my latest vacation home, here is a break down of the power of sadness:

Let me tell you, from pure experience, that sadness and desperation is a stench. It’s an obvious aura that is just plain freaking unattractive. Harsh, right?

Well in simple terms, your inside dictates your outside. When you feel sad and need constant validation that you are worthy of love, your actions will mimic this feeling. Your unintentional belief that you are not enough will cause this obvious energy that no one (except for two kinds of people) will flock to.

Who are they? Let’s look at exhibit A: The Sick Girls (aka the Pack)

Like attracts like, and when your idea of yourself is something sad and invaluable, you will most likely fall into a group of negative girls that think the same thing about themselves. Together you’ll harness all of this sick, negative energy, and then direct it outwards to people who don’t deserve it. You will be giving out a direct reflection of yourself onto innocent bystanders. The attraction of these kinds of girls is involuntary; it’s almost as if you all smelled the same scent on each other to know you are the same species.

And then there is exhibit B: The Unattainable Man (aka the Predator)

This is a man who would love to sleep with you during a one night stand and then never answer a text. And lets unpack this real quick, because I am an EXPERT in this area. First off, when you are sloppy drunk and looking to cut corners in love by grabbing the first guy to give you a side eye and taking him home, you are not only completely ignoring quality, but you aren’t valuing yourself and what you deserve. This, might I add, is completely different than doing it on your own terms and knowing exactly what you’re getting into (i.e. NOT LOVE.) And, when you can’t get the guy off of your mind because he paid you the tiniest bit of what you crave and you start to send drunk texts as a half assed approach to show interest, that becomes a turn off unless the man is clinical. He may reciprocate to get what he wants, but he unconsciously knows you don’t value yourself, so why the hell should he?

Let me put it to you this way, if someone was following you around, desperately texting and calling in order to get a sliver of attention, and assuming you’re of somewhat sound mind, you’d find that to be a bit of a turn off, right?

So, here you can see that while you’d like to paint the picture of the Queen of Wands, your inner Nine of Swords is far more noticeable than your flimsy facade. That inner turmoil, anxiety, and desperation for love and attention is a sneaky snitch. Your body language, actions, and energy will always rat you out when you aren’t willing to.

However, I think that if this is something you’re experiencing regularly, you have been given the gift of a pattern. You have the ability to notice the pattern, and therefore the ability to CHANGE the pattern.

Play some role reversal, here. Do you want a man of quality, with a real sense of self and a sense of respect? Or do you want a drunk crying blob that you have to take care of in order to get a few nights of sloppy sex?

Ru says it best ladies: “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gunna love somebody else?”

Can I get an amen up in here??

So, to not end on a depressing note, remember that everything starts with YOU. You want the man, the good job, and the fabulous life? Well, you have to start small. Take tiny steps to remind yourself that you are worthy of it. It won’t feel genuine at first, because of years of conditioning, but you must fake it till you make it baby. Look yourself dead in the eye in the mirror and say “I love you.” And one day you’ll wake up and believe it.

And PLEASE don’t cut corners. Sleeping with a stranger one drunken night does not a relationship make. You have to put in the work. You can’t just hop into bed and expect to fall in love. It just doesn’t work that way. Standards, boundaries, and plain old self love are the keys here. And if you don’t have any standards yet, stay tuned for the exercise on Wednesday. Remember that you are loved, you are worthy, and to always stay witchy ( *)

WednesdayWisdoms: Taking it Easy

For all my high achievers out there, I know it is hard to take some time to relax and enjoy yourselves. I know we can’t all go on expensive vacations around the world, but we can at least dedicate a few hours to ourselves out of our week to take it easy.

This week, I want you to pick one day and block off a few hours. Do a mud mask. Take a bath. Workout and then meditate. Watch Orange is the New Black. Any activity you want, but just be sure to dedicate it to yourself, sans interruptions. You deserve to kick back, so carve out the time! It is possible. I promise.

Set out a schedule of your week and see what you can move around to make it happen. Can you do laundry after work one day in order to free up some time on Sunday? Do it. Make time for yourself and structure your week accordingly. Your soul will thank you.

Stay mindful of your own time, and stay witchy ( *)

Taking Vacations

Hello witches! This week I am on V A C A T I O N *****

My little sister graduated so we went to watch her walk the stage in Northern California, have road-tripped down to Vegas (where I am currently) and will be heading back to my home town of little old Los Angeles on Wednesday for a few days.

Currently, I am embracing the Nine of Pentacles by enjoying the fruits of my labor. I have been working my buns off and now it is time to enjoy some fun in the sun 🙂

The Three of Cups is all about celebration and community, and being around my family has all of my wishes fulfilled. It’s hard to live so far away from them, but it makes the time we have together so much more special.

I hope you are all enjoying your summer. Stay witchy ( *) !!

WednesdayWisdoms: Appreciating Your Body

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The above photo is from a few months after my battle with bulimia. I wasn’t doing the work, I just stopped throwing up. And I still looked completely miserable.

Regardless of how much work I have put in into loving myself over the years, I can still look at myself in the mirror and pick out reasons to not love my body. I can pinpoint them and mock them for not being “perfect” like they “should” be.

But that is absolute and total bullshit. My body is configured the way it is because it serves a purpose. It allows me to live and breathe, and any other judgement I pass on it is merely voicing the brainwashing tactics of the media.

So for this week’s exercise, I want you to do what I did when I wanted to stop harming my body with bad eating habits. I want you to stand in front of a full length mirror, naked, and complete a body scan.

Start from your toes, and thank them for the purpose they serve as a functioning member of your body, and name that purpose. Move to your feet, up your ankles, to your calves, knees, thighs, butt, hips, stomach, and so on. Thank each part of your body for what is ACTUALLY does, without any scrutiny, and appreciate your body for moving you through life.

I think the biggest reason why I abused my body so much is because I didn’t see it for it’s purpose. I saw it as an image, instead of a vessel for important work. I saw it as “too” this or “too” that, instead of the machine that carries me through life. When we start to take note of the reality of things, away from the messages we receive through the media, we can gain our own clarity and peace. Stay appreciative, and stay witchy ( *)

Loving the Skin You’re In: A Twisted Journey


I imagine being totally in love with my body like a unicorn running through a Lisa Frank- style field of neon daisies. Beautiful, but unrealistic. Being an American woman, hailing from a city like Los Angeles and living in a city like New York, there will always be times when I feel like I am “less” because of my appearance.

But let me tell you, I have made leaps and bounds from where I was.

My body image issues started YOUNG. As a kid, I was relentlessly teased for being too skinny, being called names like “skinny bones Jones” (eye roll.) When I hit puberty, everything fell out of place and I began to notice large changes in my body. My breasts grew, my thighs widened, my hips popped out, and most devastatingly of all, my stomach got a little layer of fat on it. One that I had never been accustomed to before.

I had a swing set in my backyard, and I remember distinctly comparing thigh sizes with my neighbor. Two 12 year old girls, talking about the circumference of our thighs.

Once the tone was set, I had instant gratification for the drugs I was introduced to in the later months of me being 13. They made me SKINNY. And that was part of the reason why I did them for so long. I loved going back to my pre-pubescent weight. I wanted to be thin over everything.

Once I quit using hard uppers at the age of 17, I noticed a stark weight gain over the span of three years. Coupling heavy drinking with 2 am burritos will do that to you. And this was during the rise of social media, so pictures began to blast the internet. It was heartbreaking to look at pictures of a double chin, flappy arms and thick thighs. The only upside was my 36 D chest.

So, unwilling to give up drinking, I decided to dangerously crash diet by counting up to 600 calories a day, and then shoving my fingers down my throat if I cheated with one too many grapes. Over the course of a few years, my diet just became binging on Oreos and potato chips before vomiting up every morsel. I had my cake and ate it too.

It wasn’t until about a year before I moved to New York that I cut ties with my bulimia. It took a lot of will power, but I stopped throwing up. It became too dangerous anyways, because too many people had suspicions, the toilet became clogged more and more often, and my throat started to bleed.

But that didn’t change my relationship with food. No no. I still ate the way I did as a bulimic. I still had fatty foods and midnight binges. I just didn’t throw up anymore. So I gained weight.

Moving to New York allowed me to continue to eat pizza and bagels without much consequence, because I walked everywhere and thus lost some of the weight. But honey, it catches up to you, and regardless of the weight gain, I was headed to a heart attack at 30.

So, as you can see, I had all of the impulsiveness of the King of Wands reversed. Every reaction to a spot of weight gain had a drastic and unhealthy solution that led me down a road of destruction, synonymous with how I was feeling inside. I projected it onto my body.

With a vision of the Empress in mind, a beautiful and feminine ideal, I tried to cut corners by just getting there visually. I didn’t work from the inside out. And the outside in is a dangerous illusion.

Which brings me to this current cleanse that I have just completed. After reconnecting with my mind and soul after years of heartbreak and delusions, it was time my body followed suit. I asked a friend to create a cleanse that moved into a healthy lifestyle diet so I could treat my body well and give it the TLC it deserves. After 6 weeks into this lifestyle change, I feel better (and look better!) than ever before.

I have finally started to treat my body with respect. Giving it raw foods and veggies, lean, proteins, and healthy carbohydrates is the way my body is supposed to function. And though my upcoming vacation inspired me to make a decision to change my diet for the better, I’m glad I did. Because who knows how much longer I would be eating a Family Size bag of Lays Potato Chips before I landed in a hospital bed.

I hope my story has inspired you to take a look at how you treat your body. There is nothing wrong with indulging every once in a while, but the main focus is to take care of your body so it can take care of you. Your image isn’t what is important, it’s your mindset. So remember,to take care of your bodies, love yourself, and stay witchy ( *)

WednesdayWisdoms: Releasing the Negative

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When shitty things happen to you, and they will through the course of your life, you have two clear routes to take. As discussed in the previous post, you can turn to whiney victimhood, or to raw vulnerability that helps you move on in an organic way.

But before you get to this fork in the road, there is a long stretch of grieving. Some of us know how to grieve, in fact, we’re seasoned professionals. Some of us others, however, would rather push the grief down or aside until it takes the wheel as an act of rebellion,  and we’re forced down the road of panicky, inconsistent victimhood.

So for all of the events, people, pets, homes, jobs, or traumas you never got to grieve, I have an exercise in purging some of the anger that leads us down the back alley of victimhood.

We’re going to write down everything we wish we could have said “no” to.

I suggest Post-it notes or index cards. You want to write each specific event on a card of it’s own. We aren’t making a list, we’re giving individual space to each shitty life event.

There is no need to journal on this either. Give your event a title, and as you write it down, imagine what it would look like if you could have said “no” to this particular event.

Then, for each card, I want you to burn it (safely!) over an open flame. As you do, say the following:

“I cannot change the past, but I can re-route my future. I accept the reality of the present, and release my anger towards ___________”

This should help to begin a revolutionary healing process. Acceptance is the final stage of grief in the Kübler- Ross Grief Cycle. But we must move through the other six stages in order to get there.

What I find people hang on to the most in grief is guilt and anger. This ritual should alleviate some of those feelings so you can continue your journey inward, and then onward. Stay strong, and, as always, stay witchy ( *)

Victimhood vs. Vulnerability

It is a very important distinction to make between an act that serves us versus an act that alienates us. One that I’d like to point out today is the difference between being vulnerable and being a victim.

If you’re feeling beaten down, as with the Ten of Swords, there is a clear cut choice to make here. You can sit with outward blame and project the betrayal on others, a lá victimhood, or you can choose to be vulnerable, take responsibility, and heal.

Well what does all of that mean?

Vulnerability takes Strength. No only does it takes courage to feel your emotions authentically, but to let someone in that you trust can be outright scary! But this is the exact reason why talk therapy, 12 step programs, and life coaching alike work; they all require a degree of vulnerability and sharing to release some of the inside pressure in order to move on. Being vulnerable means taking responsibility for your emotions and dealing with them in a constructive manner. Being vulnerable means loving yourself enough to let your feelings out before they bubble up to the surface.

On the flip-side, being a victim requires no bravery whatsoever. In fact, victimhood kind of embodies this melting figure into a bubbling pool of liquid for me. When you’re a “victim,” you’re accepting no personal responsibility for your feelings.

This is not to say that all victims have control over the reason for their grief or trauma. Not by a long shot. But EVERYONE has the power to heal. When something terrible happens to you, like an attack or a death or a fire, that is not your fault, and I am not insinuating that it is. However, your response to those occurrences are all under your control. You can grieve, pick yourself up from your boot straps, and move on through your life, or you can sit there and say woe is me and never get anything done.

And to be extremely frank, being around a victim is SO BORING. Sitting next to someone who can’t stop complaining about how awful their life is and how things keep happening TO them is such a yawn. It is a huge turnoff.

But I’ll let you in on a little secret…

You have complete control over your life. Facing a stream of setbacks with grace and vulnerability will only serve you in the long run. And projecting blame will only make your life seem terrible to you and everyone around you.

RuPaul said it best, “Life is hard if you do, and life is hard if you don’t.” Any which way you slice it, life is gunna throw things your way. But building character and creating a world in which you are the supreme ruler takes guts, moxie, and is all well worth it.

Get vulnerable, feel all your feelings, and stay witchy ( *)