Sadness is the Anti-Pheromone

Brought to you by an epiphany during my latest vacation home, here is a break down of the power of sadness:

Let me tell you, from pure experience, that sadness and desperation is a stench. It’s an obvious aura that is just plain freaking unattractive. Harsh, right?

Well in simple terms, your inside dictates your outside. When you feel sad and need constant validation that you are worthy of love, your actions will mimic this feeling. Your unintentional belief that you are not enough will cause this obvious energy that no one (except for two kinds of people) will flock to.

Who are they? Let’s look at exhibit A: The Sick Girls (aka the Pack)

Like attracts like, and when your idea of yourself is something sad and invaluable, you will most likely fall into a group of negative girls that think the same thing about themselves. Together you’ll harness all of this sick, negative energy, and then direct it outwards to people who don’t deserve it. You will be giving out a direct reflection of yourself onto innocent bystanders. The attraction of these kinds of girls is involuntary; it’s almost as if you all smelled the same scent on each other to know you are the same species.

And then there is exhibit B: The Unattainable Man (aka the Predator)

This is a man who would love to sleep with you during a one night stand and then never answer a text. And lets unpack this real quick, because I am an EXPERT in this area. First off, when you are sloppy drunk and looking to cut corners in love by grabbing the first guy to give you a side eye and taking him home, you are not only completely ignoring quality, but you aren’t valuing yourself and what you deserve. This, might I add, is completely different than doing it on your own terms and knowing exactly what you’re getting into (i.e. NOT LOVE.) And, when you can’t get the guy off of your mind because he paid you the tiniest bit of what you crave and you start to send drunk texts as a half assed approach to show interest, that becomes a turn off unless the man is clinical. He may reciprocate to get what he wants, but he unconsciously knows you don’t value yourself, so why the hell should he?

Let me put it to you this way, if someone was following you around, desperately texting and calling in order to get a sliver of attention, and assuming you’re of somewhat sound mind, you’d find that to be a bit of a turn off, right?

So, here you can see that while you’d like to paint the picture of the Queen of Wands, your inner Nine of Swords is far more noticeable than your flimsy facade. That inner turmoil, anxiety, and desperation for love and attention is a sneaky snitch. Your body language, actions, and energy will always rat you out when you aren’t willing to.

However, I think that if this is something you’re experiencing regularly, you have been given the gift of a pattern. You have the ability to notice the pattern, and therefore the ability to CHANGE the pattern.

Play some role reversal, here. Do you want a man of quality, with a real sense of self and a sense of respect? Or do you want a drunk crying blob that you have to take care of in order to get a few nights of sloppy sex?

Ru says it best ladies: “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gunna love somebody else?”

Can I get an amen up in here??

So, to not end on a depressing note, remember that everything starts with YOU. You want the man, the good job, and the fabulous life? Well, you have to start small. Take tiny steps to remind yourself that you are worthy of it. It won’t feel genuine at first, because of years of conditioning, but you must fake it till you make it baby. Look yourself dead in the eye in the mirror and say “I love you.” And one day you’ll wake up and believe it.

And PLEASE don’t cut corners. Sleeping with a stranger one drunken night does not a relationship make. You have to put in the work. You can’t just hop into bed and expect to fall in love. It just doesn’t work that way. Standards, boundaries, and plain old self love are the keys here. And if you don’t have any standards yet, stay tuned for the exercise on Wednesday. Remember that you are loved, you are worthy, and to always stay witchy ( *)

WednesdayWisdoms: Taking it Easy

For all my high achievers out there, I know it is hard to take some time to relax and enjoy yourselves. I know we can’t all go on expensive vacations around the world, but we can at least dedicate a few hours to ourselves out of our week to take it easy.

This week, I want you to pick one day and block off a few hours. Do a mud mask. Take a bath. Workout and then meditate. Watch Orange is the New Black. Any activity you want, but just be sure to dedicate it to yourself, sans interruptions. You deserve to kick back, so carve out the time! It is possible. I promise.

Set out a schedule of your week and see what you can move around to make it happen. Can you do laundry after work one day in order to free up some time on Sunday? Do it. Make time for yourself and structure your week accordingly. Your soul will thank you.

Stay mindful of your own time, and stay witchy ( *)

Loving the Skin You’re In: A Twisted Journey


I imagine being totally in love with my body like a unicorn running through a Lisa Frank- style field of neon daisies. Beautiful, but unrealistic. Being an American woman, hailing from a city like Los Angeles and living in a city like New York, there will always be times when I feel like I am “less” because of my appearance.

But let me tell you, I have made leaps and bounds from where I was.

My body image issues started YOUNG. As a kid, I was relentlessly teased for being too skinny, being called names like “skinny bones Jones” (eye roll.) When I hit puberty, everything fell out of place and I began to notice large changes in my body. My breasts grew, my thighs widened, my hips popped out, and most devastatingly of all, my stomach got a little layer of fat on it. One that I had never been accustomed to before.

I had a swing set in my backyard, and I remember distinctly comparing thigh sizes with my neighbor. Two 12 year old girls, talking about the circumference of our thighs.

Once the tone was set, I had instant gratification for the drugs I was introduced to in the later months of me being 13. They made me SKINNY. And that was part of the reason why I did them for so long. I loved going back to my pre-pubescent weight. I wanted to be thin over everything.

Once I quit using hard uppers at the age of 17, I noticed a stark weight gain over the span of three years. Coupling heavy drinking with 2 am burritos will do that to you. And this was during the rise of social media, so pictures began to blast the internet. It was heartbreaking to look at pictures of a double chin, flappy arms and thick thighs. The only upside was my 36 D chest.

So, unwilling to give up drinking, I decided to dangerously crash diet by counting up to 600 calories a day, and then shoving my fingers down my throat if I cheated with one too many grapes. Over the course of a few years, my diet just became binging on Oreos and potato chips before vomiting up every morsel. I had my cake and ate it too.

It wasn’t until about a year before I moved to New York that I cut ties with my bulimia. It took a lot of will power, but I stopped throwing up. It became too dangerous anyways, because too many people had suspicions, the toilet became clogged more and more often, and my throat started to bleed.

But that didn’t change my relationship with food. No no. I still ate the way I did as a bulimic. I still had fatty foods and midnight binges. I just didn’t throw up anymore. So I gained weight.

Moving to New York allowed me to continue to eat pizza and bagels without much consequence, because I walked everywhere and thus lost some of the weight. But honey, it catches up to you, and regardless of the weight gain, I was headed to a heart attack at 30.

So, as you can see, I had all of the impulsiveness of the King of Wands reversed. Every reaction to a spot of weight gain had a drastic and unhealthy solution that led me down a road of destruction, synonymous with how I was feeling inside. I projected it onto my body.

With a vision of the Empress in mind, a beautiful and feminine ideal, I tried to cut corners by just getting there visually. I didn’t work from the inside out. And the outside in is a dangerous illusion.

Which brings me to this current cleanse that I have just completed. After reconnecting with my mind and soul after years of heartbreak and delusions, it was time my body followed suit. I asked a friend to create a cleanse that moved into a healthy lifestyle diet so I could treat my body well and give it the TLC it deserves. After 6 weeks into this lifestyle change, I feel better (and look better!) than ever before.

I have finally started to treat my body with respect. Giving it raw foods and veggies, lean, proteins, and healthy carbohydrates is the way my body is supposed to function. And though my upcoming vacation inspired me to make a decision to change my diet for the better, I’m glad I did. Because who knows how much longer I would be eating a Family Size bag of Lays Potato Chips before I landed in a hospital bed.

I hope my story has inspired you to take a look at how you treat your body. There is nothing wrong with indulging every once in a while, but the main focus is to take care of your body so it can take care of you. Your image isn’t what is important, it’s your mindset. So remember,to take care of your bodies, love yourself, and stay witchy ( *)

Victimhood vs. Vulnerability

It is a very important distinction to make between an act that serves us versus an act that alienates us. One that I’d like to point out today is the difference between being vulnerable and being a victim.

If you’re feeling beaten down, as with the Ten of Swords, there is a clear cut choice to make here. You can sit with outward blame and project the betrayal on others, a lá victimhood, or you can choose to be vulnerable, take responsibility, and heal.

Well what does all of that mean?

Vulnerability takes Strength. No only does it takes courage to feel your emotions authentically, but to let someone in that you trust can be outright scary! But this is the exact reason why talk therapy, 12 step programs, and life coaching alike work; they all require a degree of vulnerability and sharing to release some of the inside pressure in order to move on. Being vulnerable means taking responsibility for your emotions and dealing with them in a constructive manner. Being vulnerable means loving yourself enough to let your feelings out before they bubble up to the surface.

On the flip-side, being a victim requires no bravery whatsoever. In fact, victimhood kind of embodies this melting figure into a bubbling pool of liquid for me. When you’re a “victim,” you’re accepting no personal responsibility for your feelings.

This is not to say that all victims have control over the reason for their grief or trauma. Not by a long shot. But EVERYONE has the power to heal. When something terrible happens to you, like an attack or a death or a fire, that is not your fault, and I am not insinuating that it is. However, your response to those occurrences are all under your control. You can grieve, pick yourself up from your boot straps, and move on through your life, or you can sit there and say woe is me and never get anything done.

And to be extremely frank, being around a victim is SO BORING. Sitting next to someone who can’t stop complaining about how awful their life is and how things keep happening TO them is such a yawn. It is a huge turnoff.

But I’ll let you in on a little secret…

You have complete control over your life. Facing a stream of setbacks with grace and vulnerability will only serve you in the long run. And projecting blame will only make your life seem terrible to you and everyone around you.

RuPaul said it best, “Life is hard if you do, and life is hard if you don’t.” Any which way you slice it, life is gunna throw things your way. But building character and creating a world in which you are the supreme ruler takes guts, moxie, and is all well worth it.

Get vulnerable, feel all your feelings, and stay witchy ( *)

Losing Your Starchild

I see this happen in women of every age. Myself, not so long ago, included. When we’ve lost what makes us happy, we become shells.

When you’re a child, you breeze through life with an extreme approach. Everything is pure whimsy, or complete destruction. Because you don’t know anything else.

And as we grow older, we start to collect ideas, values, and stories that shape our behavior. Rather than banging on a bunch of pots and pans in public, we don’t because we know it to be “rude.”

But sometimes, banging on pots and pans is necessary. If you love to sing, and don’t because you “can’t,” you’ll start to feel a growing emptiness inside. You’re punishing yourself for something you made up. And it’s literally as easy as turning on the Chicago soundtrack and belting out All That Jazz in your mirror (I did that last night ;))

I talked to a client yesterday and she said she doesn’t know what she loves anymore. She doesn’t know what flexes her creative muscles and sets her soul on fire. And while, yes, this is heartbreaking, I told her it didn’t have to stay this way. It’s just going to take some time to uncover her Starchild again and dust her off.  And let me tell you, it’s worth it.

If I never did the work to find my authentic, shiny little Starchild, I would have never started a blog, nor have created this company in which I help women. I would still be feeling empty, dating the wrong men, picking the wrong jobs, and blaming it all on my bad luck. And let me tell you, suppressing your authentic self in order to do what you “should” and not make any waves in order to keep people liking you is EXHAUSTING.

I needed the message of the Hermit reversed, which asks you to look deep inside and find your inner voice. To find the laughing little girl that has been silenced by years of conditioning. I needed to give her a megaphone.

I needed to let her sing like the 6 of Cups suggests, pointing to your inner child and asking you to express childlike joy. And I’ll make one thing clear: it is hard and scary and uncomfortable at first. It almost feels wrong, because for decades that is what you’ve been telling yourself. But, girl, once you find your rhythm, it is pure magick from there on out.

So if you’ve been feeling unfulfilled as of late, start thinking about your personality as a five year old. Were you loud and brazen? Shy and creative? A mixture of both? Think back to childhood, stay tuned for more on Wednesday, and stay witchy ( *)

Where Are You in Your Journey: Episode 12

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witchywisdoms.com

Episode 12 is live! In this short, solo episode I do a quick wrap-up, highlighting key themes and similarities between my interviewees this season. I won’t be returning the podcast until September, so until then you can find archived posts here. I’m dedicating this summer to focus my attention on my clients and my upcoming book, so in the meantime, stay witchy ( *)

Tune in below and on iTunes ( *)

WednesdayWisdoms: Dream Journaling


Do you have recurring dreams? Or do you just want some more insight into what your mind is trying to tell you?

Buy a pretty dream book and let’s get journaling!

I like to keep crystals and a dream journal on my night stand. I suggest that if you have recurring dreams you should, too. Having your dream journal handy when you wake up is essential for remembering what you dreamt.

Write down every single detail you can remember. Don’t worry about making sense of it now, just write it down.

Try to write a summary of the dream the best you can. Writing a storyline can also help you to figure out exactly what’s going on in there.

Once you’ve written down everything you can remember, I suggest just putting the book down until you have a weeks worth of dreams. Then the fun starts.

When you have a weeks worth, try to connect the dots. Is someone wearing a specific color? What do you associate that color with? Is someone saying something to you? What did they say? Can you see faces? Try to pick out themes from these observations.

Remember, dreams don’t have specific meanings. Your dream is like your own made up universe: you have created all of the language and metaphors. So if you look up in a dream book what a bridge means, it won’t mean the same thing to you, because that author hasn’t lived your life and collected your memories. This is an exercise in authenticity.

So what did you find? Did you explain some unexplainables? Or is there more exploring to do? If you need a helping hand and can’t figure out what your brain is trying to tell you, let me help you. Otherwise, keep journaling and stay witchy ( *)