Shock, Trauma, and the Awesome Feeling of Acceptance

10sworrev

Straight from the mouth of my favorite website, biddytarot.com, “The Ten of Swords reversed indicates a painful ending which must occur for there to be growth and regeneration.” As you can tell from the bulk of my content, this is a very relatable concept for me.

However, even with growth and regeneration, there is some trauma left behind from the painful ending. While that is normal, it indicates the need to heal.

For example, the other day I ran into my ex on the street. Yup, the one I always write about. After making a pact with myself to stop obsessing over his social media, I thought about him less and less until I kind of forgot how close he lived to me. It seemed like he fell off the face of the earth. Well my earth.

Anyways, it was a completely unavoidable collision at this point. Our relationship, while tumultuous, ended even more dramatically, and in all fairness my participation was, at times, just as dirty as his. So we DO NOT TALK. And seeing him a hundred feet in front of me with no where to go was like seeing the accident happening before your eyes and just preparing for the crash.

I quickly diverged. Eyes on my phone, frantically trying to keep cool and like I didn’t even notice him. But the physiological response of a pounding heart and racing thoughts looked like anything but cool from the outside. I tripped over my bags and held my breath, and once we passed each other I high-tailed it, praying that I could keep my head from looking back.

So now I’m like, why the hell was that so difficult? Shouldn’t I be over it by now? I got out, I’m free, my life is big and beautiful now, why am I freaking out???

Well, it’s because of the associated trauma. My mother, in all of her wise motherly ways, told me that I should be happy because he lost out and messed up and I’ve moved on in a healthy way. That I shouldn’t get hung up because I won. And although that is true, pain is energy, and that really never dies. It just depends on how you transfer it; and that depends on if you even know it’s there.

Right before he and I got together, I was sexually assaulted by a stranger. I had to go to the police, the whole shebang. It was completely and utterly traumatizing, and instead of reaching for help, I got black out drunk.

Then I met him. And on our first date, I blacked out as a result of my pattern of behavior, and basically drank my way through our relationship too. I hid an original trauma in drinking and codependency, and then gained new trauma from being totally emotionally robbed by someone I thought I loved.

I never healed in the first place, so I had compounding traumas being tamped down by alcohol. What a damn party.

So this small instance of basically a millisecond of walking past my ex stirred up years of trauma and pressed my anxiety button. The fact that I couldn’t breathe and could barely put one foot in front of the other was a sign of my scars.

My point is, I guess, that emotional wounds are like physical ones. The deeper they are, the longer it takes to heal, and the more likely it will leave a scar. And you have to be OK with the fact that you have a story. My gut instinct was to beat myself up and say “Why did you react that way?? Aren’t you over it??” But in reality, even if I am, it is still not fun to be reminded of trauma’s past. This is why your tribe is so important. My mother, my sister, and my friends got me to a point of exploration and curiosity, and then a step further to acceptance. And you’re always going to need that human connection in your life to help make sense of it all. Keep your coven close, be kind to your scars, and stay witchy ( *)

 

Finding Your Tribe

four-ofwands-fenestra-tarot

The Four of Wands signifies celebration, harmony, and community. It represents the completion of a milestone and the festivities to follow.

This is a very positive card, and exists when things are in full balance. This card exists with a basis of a strong community, i.e. your tribe.

Finding your core people can take a lifetime. Many people will come in and out of your life on a daily basis, but finding those that support you, help you grow, and love you for all that you are is no easy task. When you find these people, you hold on to them dearly.

I am fortunate enough to have quite a few core people in my life. Some people come into your life only when you are ready for them. Some people appear when you need them. But the appreciation for their friendship comes with maturity. I had to burn some bridges to figure that out. I, unfortunately, learn things the hard way. That meant a few lost friends along the way.

Through spiritual growth, I met some very strong women and appreciate them for the qualities they possessed. They inspire me. And the overwhelming support I have received through my many ups and downs in life has been unparalleled. I am very fortunate to have such an amazing tribe. Stay appreciative and stay witchy ( *)

People as Vehicles to Self Discovery

The Three of Cups

In Tarot, this card is interpreted in two different ways.

Upright suggests creativity, community, friendship and celebration.

Reverse suggests an affair, “threes a crowd,” or stifled creativity.

This brings me to today’s topic: Peoples’ purpose in your life.

 

We all have people in our lives that we accept, cherish and love. And on the flip side, we all have people that we (for lack of a better saying) can’t stand.

Be it someone who is at your work, someone who is an acquaintance, an ex-lover or ex-friend, or even a “frenemy,” they exist. No one will like everyone, and not everyone will like you. Its a damn fact of life.

However, everyone serves a purpose.

I had a terrible breakup a couple of years ago, and I took a lot of time hating that person. Like REALLY hating him. I spent a lot of excess energy on dissecting his inner workings and just plain despising his existence. And while I needed this time to get to where I am now, where the journey has brought me is gratitude.

Had it not been for this relationship, I would have stayed in a place of co-dependency and a lack of self acceptance. I had gotten over self hate, but I was more in a self-limbo. While it is very true that with my pattern of behavior I probably would have gotten myself into another situation bringing me to this point, I feel that all of the factors during this time erupted into a beautiful volcano of steamy hot terrible lava that, in turn, calcified my purpose.

Yes, this man treated me in an undesirable way. But I accepted this behavior and harnessed that energy in a subconscious place. Once I realized this was not what I wanted, I made hard decisions, did the work, and broke through to the other side. This man was a vehicle to my self acceptance.

Friendship is much the same way. When I was younger, I had a friend who constantly put me down, was late to every meet up, and was very snide in her opinion of me. I wanted to hang out with her because I perceived her as glamorous, but the reality of her was quite the opposite. This was a person who didn’t respect my time, my individualism, or my entirety. People like this hold a mirror up to your face. Whether you realize it or not, this person shows you every insecurity and how you treat YOURSELF.

The truth is that I didn’t respect my time. I didn’t respect my individualism. I didn’t respect myself. And once I realized I didn’t like the way she was treating me, I was one step closer to truth.

In a very serendipitous way, I feel that the universe has a way of grouping us with our tribe. And if we open our eyes to who we are supposed to keep near and dear, then we are both doing our part.

For example, I bartend. I come into contact with people every day. And some are less desirable than others. However, energy has an input/ output effect. What you give out is what you will receive. And if you don’t believe this, I dare you to go and smile at a stranger and see their reaction. Its a pretty incredible thing.

Anywho, I was working one day, and I was in a pretty crap mood. But I had some regulars come in and they always seem to brighten my day. On this particular shift, they brought in a close friend of theirs, and we immediately clicked.

Let me take a moment to speak more to my emotional state at this time:

During this point I was really in the thick of hating my ex, but I was also heavily involved in bettering myself and healing. I realized I had a problem with codependency, fell in love with boundaries, and realized the qualities I needed in a friend. But in the same token, I was unhappy. I was lost. I felt unfulfilled and I didn’t know why. I didn’t understand the journey and was very impatient.

Ok back to this awesome chick.

We were speaking about singing after noticing how cool the playlist was at work. It was very soulful, with motown and doo-wop, and we bonded over our shared appreciation. One thing led to another and we made plans for an event.

Not knowing each other AT ALL and committing to an entire night out together is a pretty rare thing, but we both met in the middle and realized that we actually were good additions in each others lives. Fast forward 8 months later, and our purposes for each other are slowly unfolding.

This woman, in my eyes, is the pinnacle of creativity. She is a singer, performer, creator, and just all around beautiful person. She does arts and crafts on her days off. She always aspires for better. And I was immediately drawn to that, even though I didn’t know it.

Her purpose for me, right now, is shining a light on what I was missing. I grew up a crazy creative child, but through a mess of experiences, I lost a lot of practice in this arena. But after meeting my friend, and a few others like her, a spotlight shown on the empty place in my heart. Because I was ready for it.

Every time me and my friend meet up, we would talk about what we want to do with our lives and what kind of projects we were working on. And now I have a contribution. I tapped into my missing piece. Her existence in my world has brought attention to what I needed so greatly. She has inspired me. And she is part of the reason this blog is a reality.

So now, little witches, I invite you to share in a mini project. Think of one person you love, and one person you don’t. And then, think of something positive they have brought to your life. No matter how big or small. Just think of one thing, and appreciate it. You will be surprised at the effect this small thing has on your overall outlook.

Stay tuned and stay witchy ( *)

Harnessing your inner bad ass bitch

So today I went to model for my friend @nycrituals (Instagram) in Central Park. Generally this is the kind of project I would shy away from because of its need for confidence in front of the camera. I’m a selfie girl more than anything, which really stems from my control surrounding my beauty quality number. For other people’s vision, however, I end up having an exposure hangover from how exhausting it is to model. But today I woke up on the right side of the bed with an amazing attitude and energy towards this project. Which brings me to my very first topic that I want to cover: ENERGY.

That’s right people. The witch believes in energy 😉
The best makeup is good energy and confidence. However, it’s a bit more expensive than your neighborhood bare minerals powder. It costs loving yourself.

Loving yourself is a lifestyle, and how to get there will unfold in my writing project through the search for it myself 😜. But through your journey, the understanding of the flow of energy will propel you to greatness. On this topic, I believe people limit themselves to a bracket of what they are willing to accept. People will only accept the amount of energy they are willing to give. If it’s not enough: judgement. If it’s too much: judgement. If it’s just right: perfect chemistry. So don’t judge yourself on people’s acceptance of your energy. Harness it to its fullest and you will find your people. I have always been an extremely energetic child and spent most of my life trying to reign back my energy to please other people. “Think before you speak” sort of stuff (which is a wonderful mantra but was a little detrimental to MY creative juices.) Lately I have been letting my hair down and really digging deep into my craziness. No holds barred. I feel it, I live it. My face has done most of the talking for me since I was young; I really wear my emotions out loud. However, I have always hesitated on creative things I was afraid would get backlash on. I couldn’t believe in myself. Well people, today were rewriting the dialouge!! I AM a model. I am whatever I believe I can be. And you are too little witches ( *)