Tag: relationships

Sadness is the Anti-Pheromone

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Brought to you by an epiphany during my latest vacation home, here is a break down of the power of sadness:

Let me tell you, from pure experience, that sadness and desperation is a stench. It’s an obvious aura that is just plain freaking unattractive. Harsh, right?

Well in simple terms, your inside dictates your outside. When you feel sad and need constant validation that you are worthy of love, your actions will mimic this feeling. Your unintentional belief that you are not enough will cause this obvious energy that no one (except for two kinds of people) will flock to.

Who are they? Let’s look at exhibit A: The Sick Girls (aka the Pack)

Like attracts like, and when your idea of yourself is something sad and invaluable, you will most likely fall into a group of negative girls that think the same thing about themselves. Together you’ll harness all of this sick, negative energy, and then direct it outwards to people who don’t deserve it. You will be giving out a direct reflection of yourself onto innocent bystanders. The attraction of these kinds of girls is involuntary; it’s almost as if you all smelled the same scent on each other to know you are the same species.

And then there is exhibit B: The Unattainable Man (aka the Predator)

This is a man who would love to sleep with you during a one night stand and then never answer a text. And lets unpack this real quick, because I am an EXPERT in this area. First off, when you are sloppy drunk and looking to cut corners in love by grabbing the first guy to give you a side eye and taking him home, you are not only completely ignoring quality, but you aren’t valuing yourself and what you deserve. This, might I add, is completely different than doing it on your own terms and knowing exactly what you’re getting into (i.e. NOT LOVE.) And, when you can’t get the guy off of your mind because he paid you the tiniest bit of what you crave and you start to send drunk texts as a half assed approach to show interest, that becomes a turn off unless the man is clinical. He may reciprocate to get what he wants, but he unconsciously knows you don’t value yourself, so why the hell should he?

Let me put it to you this way, if someone was following you around, desperately texting and calling in order to get a sliver of attention, and assuming you’re of somewhat sound mind, you’d find that to be a bit of a turn off, right?

So, here you can see that while you’d like to paint the picture of the Queen of Wands, your inner Nine of Swords is far more noticeable than your flimsy facade. That inner turmoil, anxiety, and desperation for love and attention is a sneaky snitch. Your body language, actions, and energy will always rat you out when you aren’t willing to.

However, I think that if this is something you’re experiencing regularly, you have been given the gift of a pattern. You have the ability to notice the pattern, and therefore the ability to CHANGE the pattern.

Play some role reversal, here. Do you want a man of quality, with a real sense of self and a sense of respect? Or do you want a drunk crying blob that you have to take care of in order to get a few nights of sloppy sex?

Ru says it best ladies: “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gunna love somebody else?”

Can I get an amen up in here??

So, to not end on a depressing note, remember that everything starts with YOU. You want the man, the good job, and the fabulous life? Well, you have to start small. Take tiny steps to remind yourself that you are worthy of it. It won’t feel genuine at first, because of years of conditioning, but you must fake it till you make it baby. Look yourself dead in the eye in the mirror and say “I love you.” And one day you’ll wake up and believe it.

And PLEASE don’t cut corners. Sleeping with a stranger one drunken night does not a relationship make. You have to put in the work. You can’t just hop into bed and expect to fall in love. It just doesn’t work that way. Standards, boundaries, and plain old self love are the keys here. And if you don’t have any standards yet, stay tuned for the exercise on Wednesday. Remember that you are loved, you are worthy, and to always stay witchy ( *)

Losing Your Starchild

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I see this happen in women of every age. Myself, not so long ago, included. When we’ve lost what makes us happy, we become shells.

When you’re a child, you breeze through life with an extreme approach. Everything is pure whimsy, or complete destruction. Because you don’t know anything else.

And as we grow older, we start to collect ideas, values, and stories that shape our behavior. Rather than banging on a bunch of pots and pans in public, we don’t because we know it to be “rude.”

But sometimes, banging on pots and pans is necessary. If you love to sing, and don’t because you “can’t,” you’ll start to feel a growing emptiness inside. You’re punishing yourself for something you made up. And it’s literally as easy as turning on the Chicago soundtrack and belting out All That Jazz in your mirror (I did that last night ;))

I talked to a client yesterday and she said she doesn’t know what she loves anymore. She doesn’t know what flexes her creative muscles and sets her soul on fire. And while, yes, this is heartbreaking, I told her it didn’t have to stay this way. It’s just going to take some time to uncover her Starchild again and dust her off.  And let me tell you, it’s worth it.

If I never did the work to find my authentic, shiny little Starchild, I would have never started a blog, nor have created this company in which I help women. I would still be feeling empty, dating the wrong men, picking the wrong jobs, and blaming it all on my bad luck. And let me tell you, suppressing your authentic self in order to do what you “should” and not make any waves in order to keep people liking you is EXHAUSTING.

I needed the message of the Hermit reversed, which asks you to look deep inside and find your inner voice. To find the laughing little girl that has been silenced by years of conditioning. I needed to give her a megaphone.

I needed to let her sing like the 6 of Cups suggests, pointing to your inner child and asking you to express childlike joy. And I’ll make one thing clear: it is hard and scary and uncomfortable at first. It almost feels wrong, because for decades that is what you’ve been telling yourself. But, girl, once you find your rhythm, it is pure magick from there on out.

So if you’ve been feeling unfulfilled as of late, start thinking about your personality as a five year old. Were you loud and brazen? Shy and creative? A mixture of both? Think back to childhood, stay tuned for more on Wednesday, and stay witchy ( *)

Why Your Sexual Fruit is Sacred, but There’s No Shame in Sharing Some of the Juice 

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My relationship with sex has been a complicated one. It must have started out with the pressure of losing my virginity, because I slept with a boyfriend of four days “just to get it over with.” This kind of set the pace for devaluing my body, and I didn’t even know the power and sacredness of my sexuality.

It also didn’t help that I caught that boyfriend cheating on me with his neighbor. This incident created a haphazard idea of sex. That it just didn’t matter.

The road became more and more cluttered when I realized that I so desperately wanted, NEEDED, male attention. I was craving love of any kind, so I would drunkenly throw myself at men and then become puzzled as to why they weren’t in love with me. Like, why isn’t this like in the movies???

Further down the line, I would try to pretend that my unsuccessful tactics, and the inevitable outcomes, didn’t bother me. I was just going to Samantha Jones myself through life and hope someone respected me along the way. But sex or not, I didn’t respect myself. See whats wrong with this picture?

Then, as you know, I was raped. What a freakin doozey that was in my sexual landscape. That turned everything upside down, flipped it, and reversed it (thanks Missy.) Now fear was a factor. How was I supposed to land a man if I couldn’t let him touch me?

And lo and behold, who is there to pop up? But my infamous ex. I felt comfortable around him, got drunk, and took him home on the first night. He stayed for the next three days. And rather than questioning if he should be at his job, I let our insecurities click and the rest is history.

So all of this leading up to my turning point was synonymous with the message of The Devil. I was ruled by obsession and trauma, rather than intuition, respect, and just plain logic. I gave away the whole fruit and couldn’t satisfy myself.

Nowadays it’s a whole different ballgame. I have done the work and thoroughly respect my body, but let’s be honest, we all need a little pleasure in our lives. I do not want a relationship right now, but I’m not above a hookup. The difference here is that I understand what I want, I communicate effectively with a potential partner, we are both 100% consenting, and there is no grey area of sadness and depression.

The Lovers describes a union and an alignment of values. That is the important part, and what I was missing the whole time. Trying to drunkenly (and half-assededly I might add) seduce a man into loving me and then cry when he doesn’t is idiotic. Being up front about what you need in a partner and seeing if your values align gives you a choice, and if you choose to give your body over to someone who doesn’t want what you want, you’re putting yourself in a compromising position. You’re setting yourself up for hurt. And to do it over and over and over again expecting different results is insane. You gotta revolutionize your sexy little world to find that happiness. Cuz it’s hiding on the other side of the bed.

Sex might be a plush display of love in a steamy relationship, or a taboo icon that is used for selling t-shirts and hamburgers, but it is also a necessary way of life. Sex is sacred, yes, but it is also fun and pleasurable and NATURAL. You don’t have to wear a chastity belt for the rest of your life in order to protect yourself. You just have to get to the root of your needs. If your needs consist of a sweet and quick release, then by all means sugar, get yours (while staying safe.) And if your needs consist of a relationship, get to dating! Communicate that you are looking for a partner and don’t settle for less. You can’t change his mind with sex. It has never happened and never will. Align your values before you get busy.

So sex wisely, my kittens. You’re worthy of a good time. Just be sure you protect your heart first, and stay witchy ( *)

Where Are You in Your Journey: Episode 12

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Episode 12 is live! In this short, solo episode I do a quick wrap-up, highlighting key themes and similarities between my interviewees this season. I won’t be returning the podcast until September, so until then you can find archived posts here. I’m dedicating this summer to focus my attention on my clients and my upcoming book, so in the meantime, stay witchy ( *)

Tune in below and on iTunes ( *)

Recurring Dreams

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I get asked about recurring dreams all the time. I even used to struggle with them myself. But the funny thing about recurring dreams, or dreams in general, is that they are just metaphorical manifestations of our greatest fears and hopes.

One reader wrote to me recently that she often dreamt of a “frail, depressed girl” who was constantly out of reach. She kept trying to grab and help her, but the girl kept slipping away. And every time she woke up, she was frightened.

I asked her a few questions about her upbringing, and she had faced some neglect in her life. I asked her if she knew how to care for herself and give herself the attention she deserved, and she said not really. Then I asked her if the little girl in the dream could be her, and she didn’t know how to respond.

After she came to the realization that she so desperately wanted to save herself, but did’t know how, she started a healing process. You see, our dreams force our unconsciousness into light. It is in a cryptic, somewhat creepy manner, but it’s enough to grab our attention and make us curious.

The Moon illustrates fears and anxieties coming up from our subconscious. Sometimes we don’t know what is buried there, nor are we willing to uncover it. But let me tell you, if it wants to be heard, it will be.

In this instance you must embody the Fool. You must embark on this journey to find the pain that is plaguing you. And if it is so unconscious that you need help to discover what it is, I am always only an email away.

Get dreaming, and stay witchy ( *)

What to Do When it All Falls Apart

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Life happens. And sometimes, it is really, really shitty.

You know the saying, when it rains, it pours? Well, like many of you, I have experienced a hail storm.

So what are we supposed to do when it all falls apart? How do we keep it together when everywhere we turn there’s a new tragedy right in front of us?

The Tower represents a sudden upheaval. It shows chaos and turmoil. The eye of the storm. But what it also represents is nature’s order. There must be a rough pattern of weather before clear skies; you must push through the challenge to reach the other side.

If you’ve experienced death, then lost your job, then broke up with your boyfriend, then got kicked out of your apartment, you sure as shit know how tough life can be. But what if I told you the MOST challenging part of this journey is not the actual occurrence of the tragedy or setback, but the acceptance of it?

We fight so hard against just accepting the reality of a situation and it throws us into this dark, twisted fantasy land that we can’t escape from. If we just cried, got out the sadness, picked ourselves up from our bootstraps and moved forward, we would be one step closer to freedom. We would be moving out of the storm.

I mean, how much easier would finding a new apartment or job be if we just got real with ourselves and stopped wishing things were different?

The Sun reversed shows you are finding it difficult to see the positive. And trust me, I get it. You want to scream and cry and just give up because its all just TOO MUCH. And maybe the positive isn’t necessary, at least not right now. Maybe just the reality is enough. But it is imperative that you get a grip on what’s happening in order to survive this literal shit storm.

If you’ve lost someone near to you, grieve. Grieve authentically. Reach for support and talk it out. The acceptance will come naturally when you allow yourself to move through the stages. If you broke up with someone, grieve that too! Let it out, move to acceptance, and then get back on that horse. Man-shop on Bumble to distract yourself. Let the other person go so you can heal and focus on growing. Lost your job or apartment? Get on Craigslist. Take active steps to finding a new place to flourish. Listen, at the end of the day, you got this. The universe doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle. It is not a cruel overlord. It is a teacher.

So when it all just seems to be way too much, give yourself a minute to cry. Cry hard. Cry from your gut. And then pick yourself up and take action to heal and to re-situate.  Make a list. Write down each struggle individually and journal about it. Tackle everything separately to organize your thoughts and emotions. Nothing is impossible. You just need the right tools. Stay strong and stay witchy ( *)

WednesdayWisdoms: Practicing Forgiveness

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So the other day I wrote about digging deep into another persons struggle in order to see the journey from their side. But what if that person hurt you and you don’t care/ can’t let it go?

By practicing this kind of empathy towards someone who hurt you, instead of a flippant disregard of someone’s negative approach, you cultivate a deeper, more profound understanding of their pain. But what if you’re just not ready for that? What if their side doesn’t interest you?

Well, we’re going to paint this like the chicken and the egg. It doesn’t matter which comes first. If understanding helps you to forgive, we’ll work on that first. If not, we can forgive first. But the bottom line is that this forgiveness is for YOU. It is so you can free up negative hate space in your heart for a love that you so truly deserve. So, let’s get started.

If you want to try and understand from the person’s side first, I have to make one thing very clear: Understanding does not mean obsessing and over-analyzing. It is a deeper connection to the problem, and it exists without assumption. If you are in a position to ask for clarification, I suggest getting it straight from the horses mouth. But if not, write down a list of three things you would do in that situation if you were in their shoes. Write it from your perspective. And, if none of your answers measure up with what they’ve done to upset you, then you have to understand that their journey and their tools are much different than yours, and your forgiveness has to stem from there. Forgiveness is all about you. It is internal. It is your personal response.

And if you are not ready to understand the journey from their side, after you’ve had some time to cool down and are ready to forgive, you have to jump straight into the deep end. Forgiveness means accepting the course of events just as they are, accepting their actions just as they were, and accepting your responses as well. Forgiveness isn’t going to fix everything and make it go away, and your participation in a relationship with this person is entirely up to you afterwards, but forgiveness is essential to just move ON.

Forgiving people is really hard. And sometimes things that have happened to you are seemingly unforgivable. But if you do not forgive, you will hold on to that pain forever. Release the pain, forgive the past, and stay witchy ( *)