Eliminating Shame from Sexuality

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When there is shame surrounding a topic, it takes something that should be beautiful and makes it seedy. It strips away all of the magic. It creates a dark air around it. And this is just as true for sex as any other taboo subject.

So, what can we do to eliminate the shame surrounding sex? How can we embrace our sexuality and live as sacred sexual beings day to day? Follow these tips to replace shame with confidence:

  1. Watch porn that suits you: 
    • A lot of the reason why people feel shame around sex is because they can’t relate themselves to feeling sexy. It’s almost as if it’s off limits because they subconsciously can’t see themselves as deserving. If this is part of your problem, I suggest watching porn with people that look like you that do what you like. There is so much on the internet with people of all colors, sexual preferences, body types, etc, that empowers the art of pleasure on every conceivable level. Watching realistic porn, instead of overly aggressive porn-star-porn, might help to add an inclusionary ideal to your own sex life.
  2. When appropriate, talk about it:
    • There’s nothing that takes the air out of a shame-tire like plain old words. Start talking about sex freely. Ask your girlfriends what their experiences are like. Ask your partner what they enjoy between the sheets. Open the dialogue and ask questions. Secrets are the main food source for shame, so take away it’s meal plan and start talking about it!
  3. Masterbate:
    • Getting acquainted with your body and learning what sets you on fire is a great way to eliminate shame. Our bodies are wired to react a certain way to stimulation. It’s natural! So learn what get’s you off and be proud of it!
  4. Confront what makes you uncomfortable: 
    • Do you shudder when you hear the word “vagina?” Do you want to run and hide at the idea of anal? What makes you want to duck for cover? Start taking note of your reactions to sex-related things and then do your research. I find that the more educated you are on a subject, the more comfortable you’ll feel about it.
  5. Allow yourself to feel sexy:
    • Dressing sexy is a big thing for me. I feel empowered when I can flaunt my sexuality and own it. However, that may be too bold for some. In that case, there are a myriad of more subtle approaches. Wear a new shade of lipstick, challenge yourself to wear a pair of heels, or sport some lingerie under your jeans and t-shirt. There are many undercover ways to embrace your inner goddess, and implementing them into your daily life will start to push shame out of the way.

Follow these tips at your own pace and you will start to see a shift from guilt to acceptance. Sex is a natural and beautiful thing, and as long as you do it with respect and consent, there is nothing to be ashamed of! Get your sexy on and stay witchy ( *)

Balancing Your Shadow Self With Your Outward Self

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Your true desires are often carried out by impulses, which don’t think of the big picture. Acting in this way lands you in hot water, and then scars you because you’re afraid to take another leap. So, what do we do to take careful steps around achieving what our shadow self wants the most for us? See the examples below on how to achieve balance.

Family

  • The desire: To have a path of clear communication and understanding in your family.
  • The impulse: To snap at a family member when you don’t think they understand you
  • Why that doesn’t work: Fighting a misunderstanding with a lack of compassion of your own is counter-productive.
  • The solution: When you’re sensing an escalation of sorts, try to understand from their side by asking questions. Approach the situation in a well rounded manner, and ask that they do the same for you. Set boundaries around what you will allow into your life, cut a conversation short if nothing is being achieved, then revisit later.

Work

  • The desire: To make more money, get a promotion, and flourish in your position.
  • The impulse: To take any and all extra work to prove that you can get it all done.
  • Why that doesn’t work: Overloading yourself will almost always mean that you are spreading yourself too thin. You work will not be as thorough as if you only took on what you could actually handle, and you run the risk of burning out.
  • The solution: Only accept what you can physically handle. Knowing your limits commands respect, and so does quality work.

Relationships

  • The desire: To have a happy and healthy relationship.
  • The impulse: To choose the first person who pays attention to you.
  • Why that doesn’t work: An ideal mate is not just anyone. You have to consult a careful observation before jumping into something serious.
  • The solution: Create a list of values your mate must have and do not make excuses. If loyalty is a value, don’t make excuses for him texting another girl, just because he’s also texting you. These values are non-negotiable. This approach takes time, and you deserve to be with someone who not only respects you, but is who you truly desire.

These examples are obviously not one-size-fits-all, but they are good jumping off points to consider when we act impulsively. It is hard to be patient, but that is essential for us to live our ideal life. Patience and discipline will lead to a high reward from the universe. Channel the desires of your shadow self in a healthy way, and stay witchy ( *)

Using Rage Constructively

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So, you’ve got fire in your eyes and rage in your belly. What now?

Here’s what you can do to help:

  1. DONATE:
    • You can donate to the victims of the Charlottesville attack via multiple GoFundMe pages. The victims of the car attack can be reached here, to donate to the man beaten by Nazi’s in a parking garage here, and to Natalie Romero, a victim without health insurance, here. You can also donate to the local NAACP chapter here, the Black Lives Matter chapter here,  Charlottesville’s only synagogue here, and the Charlottesville Pride community here.
  2.  Protest:
    • It is terrifying out there right now, and with the recent events in Charlottesville, people are afraid to protest white supremacists. Unfortunately, now more than ever, we need to gather peacefully to show that we are not afraid and will not be intimidated. There is power in numbers, and you can be one of them by joining here.
  3. Stop hatespeech:
    • When you hear an employer, coworker, parent, teacher, or racist uncle say something that is discriminatory, CALL THAT SHIT OUT. Silence is violence. It is perpetuating that it is ok to use hate speech. People will do whatever they want so long as no one says anything, so SAY SOMETHING.
  4. Use the words White Supremacist and Nazi frequently:
    • This is not “alt right” or “nationalism.” Nazi’s hide behind terms like these to cloak what they actually are. Using the correct rhetoric fights denial. Call it out whenever you can.
  5. If you are a parent, educate your child:
    • Beliefs start at home, and preaching love and acceptance to your children will instill a moral compass that deters them from this scary, repugnant hate. Keep an eye on your young ones and educate, educate, educate.
  6. Write your representatives:
    • Are you outraged? Write the right people here. Demand equal and fair police protection. Update them on what is going on in your district. Complain about the president. Whatever it is that you have to say, tell them. They are called representatives for a reason; tell them who and how to represent.

There is a lot we can do, as a community, to start making change. Nothing gets done by sitting idly by. Get active, and stay witchy ( *)

 

Letting Go of Heartbreak

When love ends, there is always an undeniable hurt.

Even if you’re the one doing the ending, there is still an unshakable sadness. On the one hand, you don’t have the person around that you spent so much time with anymore. and on the other, there’s just plain disappointment.

I think the biggest reason why we hold onto this sadness and heartbreak, is because we were so attached to the hope that this person could be the “one.” And whether it came as a surprise because you were broken up with, or you sat with the decision to make the break, it’s never an easy reality to come to.

And that’s the thing that makes heartbreak so gut-wrenching. Because our society puts so much pressure on us to find that one special person to be with forever, when you end a relationship, it almost feels like failure. Like you’ll never attain your fairy tale. Because of an attachment to the outcome and what it means for you.

But when you look more closely, objectively, at the state of the relationship, you can start to make sense of why it ended in the first place. Do you want to live in something that clearly isn’t working, just for the sake of not being alone? Or, even, to prove that you did what you were supposed to do?

Consider The Lovers, who signify an alignment of values. What I’ve come to learn in my short life, is that, over time, peoples values change. And if your values are not running parallel with your lover’s any longer, it is time to sever the ties.

In fact, it’s time to embody the Fool. With whimsy and hope, it is time to embark on a new journey to find a soul with a new alignment of values. It’s time to let go of what is no longer serving you and to find what will for however long that lasts.

Love and heartbreak are difficult to navigate because of the emotional investment. But when you recognize that staying with someone who isn’t right for you isn’t helping anyone, it may be the push you need to finally let go. Take care of your heart, and stay witchy ( *)

WednesdayWisdoms: Standards, What?!

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To continue this weeks theme of creating standards and boundaries in love in order to reinforce the positive beliefs in yourself, we’re going to do some writing exercises and watch some movies.

First, pick three movies or tv shows in which you absolutely adore one of the characters romantically and make a profile for each one. Write a list of pros and cons for each character and from there, we’ll pick out the things you’d like to look for in a potential mate.

For example, if Mr. Big is your type, you need to create a list for what you find so attractive and be HONEST. If his womanizing ways turn you on, we need to explore that and find out why. For the most part, we need to dismantle old, unconscious beliefs before we create new and healthy ones.

If you love his sense of fashion, or that he finally stepped up in the end, then write that down too. Your pros and cons are subjective, but each quality needs to be explored.

So for each of the three characters, write three qualities in each column. Notice any overlaps. Try to find out what something seemingly negative or unhealthy lights your fire. Get CURIOUS.

This might come to a bit of a shock, because this is perhaps the first time you’ve even looked at why you’re attracted to certain kinds of men. And it might be scary, but remember that the future hasn’t happened yet, and you have the ability to change it! Stay aware and stay witchy ( *)

Sadness is the Anti-Pheromone

Brought to you by an epiphany during my latest vacation home, here is a break down of the power of sadness:

Let me tell you, from pure experience, that sadness and desperation is a stench. It’s an obvious aura that is just plain freaking unattractive. Harsh, right?

Well in simple terms, your inside dictates your outside. When you feel sad and need constant validation that you are worthy of love, your actions will mimic this feeling. Your unintentional belief that you are not enough will cause this obvious energy that no one (except for two kinds of people) will flock to.

Who are they? Let’s look at exhibit A: The Sick Girls (aka the Pack)

Like attracts like, and when your idea of yourself is something sad and invaluable, you will most likely fall into a group of negative girls that think the same thing about themselves. Together you’ll harness all of this sick, negative energy, and then direct it outwards to people who don’t deserve it. You will be giving out a direct reflection of yourself onto innocent bystanders. The attraction of these kinds of girls is involuntary; it’s almost as if you all smelled the same scent on each other to know you are the same species.

And then there is exhibit B: The Unattainable Man (aka the Predator)

This is a man who would love to sleep with you during a one night stand and then never answer a text. And lets unpack this real quick, because I am an EXPERT in this area. First off, when you are sloppy drunk and looking to cut corners in love by grabbing the first guy to give you a side eye and taking him home, you are not only completely ignoring quality, but you aren’t valuing yourself and what you deserve. This, might I add, is completely different than doing it on your own terms and knowing exactly what you’re getting into (i.e. NOT LOVE.) And, when you can’t get the guy off of your mind because he paid you the tiniest bit of what you crave and you start to send drunk texts as a half assed approach to show interest, that becomes a turn off unless the man is clinical. He may reciprocate to get what he wants, but he unconsciously knows you don’t value yourself, so why the hell should he?

Let me put it to you this way, if someone was following you around, desperately texting and calling in order to get a sliver of attention, and assuming you’re of somewhat sound mind, you’d find that to be a bit of a turn off, right?

So, here you can see that while you’d like to paint the picture of the Queen of Wands, your inner Nine of Swords is far more noticeable than your flimsy facade. That inner turmoil, anxiety, and desperation for love and attention is a sneaky snitch. Your body language, actions, and energy will always rat you out when you aren’t willing to.

However, I think that if this is something you’re experiencing regularly, you have been given the gift of a pattern. You have the ability to notice the pattern, and therefore the ability to CHANGE the pattern.

Play some role reversal, here. Do you want a man of quality, with a real sense of self and a sense of respect? Or do you want a drunk crying blob that you have to take care of in order to get a few nights of sloppy sex?

Ru says it best ladies: “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gunna love somebody else?”

Can I get an amen up in here??

So, to not end on a depressing note, remember that everything starts with YOU. You want the man, the good job, and the fabulous life? Well, you have to start small. Take tiny steps to remind yourself that you are worthy of it. It won’t feel genuine at first, because of years of conditioning, but you must fake it till you make it baby. Look yourself dead in the eye in the mirror and say “I love you.” And one day you’ll wake up and believe it.

And PLEASE don’t cut corners. Sleeping with a stranger one drunken night does not a relationship make. You have to put in the work. You can’t just hop into bed and expect to fall in love. It just doesn’t work that way. Standards, boundaries, and plain old self love are the keys here. And if you don’t have any standards yet, stay tuned for the exercise on Wednesday. Remember that you are loved, you are worthy, and to always stay witchy ( *)

Taking Vacations

Hello witches! This week I am on V A C A T I O N *****

My little sister graduated so we went to watch her walk the stage in Northern California, have road-tripped down to Vegas (where I am currently) and will be heading back to my home town of little old Los Angeles on Wednesday for a few days.

Currently, I am embracing the Nine of Pentacles by enjoying the fruits of my labor. I have been working my buns off and now it is time to enjoy some fun in the sun 🙂

The Three of Cups is all about celebration and community, and being around my family has all of my wishes fulfilled. It’s hard to live so far away from them, but it makes the time we have together so much more special.

I hope you are all enjoying your summer. Stay witchy ( *) !!