Why Do We Keep Getting in Our Own Way?

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The Seven of Swords represents mental challenges; breaking old habits that have been built after reoccurring setbacks. This card shows the difficulty in embarking in a new direction, but the willingness to start a new chapter.

When something comes up that seems too good to be true, we tend to overthink things, re-rationalize, and convince ourselves out of the current situation in order to protect ourselves from what we have learned is the inevitable outcome. We self sabotage until we reach the end result we have come to know all too well.

If you start a new job that you absolutely adore but are afraid of being laid off yet again, start a new relationship but just know its not going to end well, or start a new project but just have this sinking feeling that it isn’t going to get the feedback you desire, then you have experienced this Negative Nancy syndrome. We set our expectations low and our hopes high in secret, only to prove to ourselves that we’re going to be let down again. Because if we do it to ourselves, it is easier to take then if we let someone else hurt us.

Now it is totally true that there are forces outside of us that we cannot control. We cannot control other peoples actions and we sure as hell can’t control the universe. And that is scary, because as humans we are soft and vulnerable at our core. But in order to be our happiest, we need to show up fully every time we get an opportunity to. We need to show that gooey soft core because that is human. And 9 times out of 10 it is received really well, because others need to feel that vulnerability to.

We’ve all had broken hearts. Lost jobs. Lost family members. Things that hurt more than any cut or burn. But these pains we experience are opportunities for growth, change and strength within us. They offer out two hands each holding a different outcome. On the one you can turn your pain into anger and distrust, or on the other you can turn it into compassion and healing. Which life sounds more appealing?

It is a simple fight or flight response to protect our heart from hurt with distrust. Distrust in another human, ourselves, and/or the environment. But that creates a very small world to live inside. It creates a little sad bubble where only you are invited, and you never get to experience anyone elses warmth because you never give out yours. Relationships of all kinds are two way streets, and you create this self sabotage when you take more than you get.

So try to get vulnerable with yourself first. Its a scary world out there, I know. But there is so much love and beauty to be experienced when you create some room to let it in. Don’t hide in the shadows. Get out there and feel the warmth of the sun. Start trusting, don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t work out, and stay witchy ( *)

Uncovering Hindrances

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The page of pentacles appears when a new skill is being learned.

Recently I took up German. I’ve always wanted to learn this language and for some reason just never started, so I downloaded a few podcasts and Duolingo and have been practicing daily. I’d like to be fluent. Eventually.

On this new educational journey, interestingly enough, I’ve discovered something I kept back in my brain for quite a while…

Growing up in LA, I was surrounded by Spanish speakers. A lot of them being close friends. I would pick up words here and there, and I would use them as well.

While I was learning German on the train yesterday and mouthing the words, I got a clear as hell flashback to when I was playing handball with a friend. I was standing on the court with her and I said something in Spanish. She looked at me and laughed at my pronunciation. I remembered shrinking up and feeling really embarrassed. I wanted to crawl into a hole.

What. The. Fuck.

Was this it? Was this part of the reason why I haven’t tried to learn or speak another language? Because I was afraid of an elementary school comment?! I have had opportunities to use my Spanish and simply just wouldn’t because of embarrassment. I remember trying to learn Spanish in High School and would ditch on the days of oral exams. I could speak to the kitchen staff at my jobs in Spanish but relied only on English. Was this why?! This tiny little comment has apparently stayed with me in the weirdest way. This tiny fear bubble put a block on what I’ve wanted to do for quite some time. What a silly thing that ended up making a HUGE impact.

I always admired the girls that spoke multiple languages. I remember a great friend of mine in high school who was fluent in three. I thought she was so smart and glamorous. But it could never be that way for me.

I’ve noticed this with other things in my life as well. Some things that you take personally in childhood can follow you and frame who you are.

I made this comment mean that I couldn’t speak another language, so I just didn’t. I manifested this made-up narrative and it grew inside me to take a piece of control. That small instance made me lose my confidence.

Since I remembered, I’ve been embarrassed to say something incorrectly. This form of perfectionism has been a means for protection and control over my psyche.

I just discovered this yesterday and felt compelled to share. If you have have an inexplicable fear, embarrassment, or worry, try digging deep and seeing what you’ve repressed by edging through those fears. You might be surprised at the breakthrough. Stay adventurous and stay witchy ( *)