I’m coming to you today with a solo on the season finale!! I’m spilling the beans about my latest speaking event, negotiating a fair deal, and client resolution. Plus, I have a sneak peak into my rebrand!!
Listen up and stay witchy ( *)
Tune in below and on iTunes, and be sure to subscribe and leave a rating!!! ( *)
Theme song by Cody Valentine
Welcome back to the WAYIYJ Podcast!!!
Season 3, Episode 7 is live!
I’m coming to you today with Rachael Maddox, Sexual Trauma Resolution educator and healer, to talk about healing with integrity! We discuss how your niche calls to you in unforeseen ways, where trauma hides in the body, and being a Secret Bad Girl.
When shitty things happen to you, and they will through the course of your life, you have two clear routes to take. As discussed in the previous post, you can turn to whiney victimhood, or to raw vulnerability that helps you move on in an organic way.
But before you get to this fork in the road, there is a long stretch of grieving. Some of us know how to grieve, in fact, we’re seasoned professionals. Some of us others, however, would rather push the grief down or aside until it takes the wheel as an act of rebellion, and we’re forced down the road of panicky, inconsistent victimhood.
So for all of the events, people, pets, homes, jobs, or traumas you never got to grieve, I have an exercise in purging some of the anger that leads us down the back alley of victimhood.
We’re going to write down everything we wish we could have said “no” to.
I suggest Post-it notes or index cards. You want to write each specific event on a card of it’s own. We aren’t making a list, we’re giving individual space to each shitty life event.
There is no need to journal on this either. Give your event a title, and as you write it down, imagine what it would look like if you could have said “no” to this particular event.
Then, for each card, I want you to burn it (safely!) over an open flame. As you do, say the following:
“I cannot change the past, but I can re-route my future. I accept the reality of the present, and release my anger towards ___________”
This should help to begin a revolutionary healing process. Acceptance is the final stage of grief in the Kübler- Ross Grief Cycle. But we must move through the other six stages in order to get there.
What I find people hang on to the most in grief is guilt and anger. This ritual should alleviate some of those feelings so you can continue your journey inward, and then onward. Stay strong, and, as always, stay witchy ( *)
Episode 3 is live! Here you’ll meet Kia Graves, a New York based producer, actor, and writer, who shares about her rape trauma and journey through healing as a single mother. If you’d like to follow up with Kia you can find her on Instagram, Facebook, and through Mountain Moving Studio.
I remember, as a child, feeling quite alone and isolated. I remember a deep, unquenchable thirst for love that I thought I wasn’t getting. I convinced myself that I was not receiving love, and was therefore unworthy of it. I found comfort and solace in pain.
But why? My parents loved me. I had a little sister who has only grown closer to me. I always had friends. Why was it that I chose to see the world from a negative angle?
The truth is, when you have such a deep set belief that you are undeserving or unworthy of something, you are going to take every opportunity to prove your point to yourself. This is where your perfectionism steps in. You aren’t allowed to be wrong, so your perfectionism will prove your point to you over and over again, even when it is detrimental and untrue. Much like the Orange Car Effect, your perfectionism will cherry pick evidence to prove just how unworthy you are. It is just doing it’s job. And not only is this very clearly damaging, but it is perpetual. Only you can choose to stop and see the love.
But how do you break this cycle? How do you go from one day proving to yourself that you are alone and nobody loves you to becoming a confident powerhouse? Well it takes time, imperfectly, one day at a time. It is a slow process, but it starts internally. That’s the beautiful thing, because you’re holding yourself accountable.
Once you decide to make this shift from self destruction to appreciating yourself, the Orange Car Effect shifts into this new gear, where you’re getting little gems of appreciation from outside sources. And not to count on them as validation, though you may need that at first, they just show up organically because you are starting to heal.
So why can’t you see the love when it’s staring you in the face? It’s because you don’t want to. You aren’t ready yet. But that’s ok, my friend. It is out there waiting for you to embrace it. Stay witchy ( *)
More than an article to provide advice, this blog post comes to you as sort of a realization piece, courtesy of my recent trip and a conversation with my sister. Hopefully this can additionally add insight to someones life who may need it, however, this is meant more to be an exercise in self exploration.
Here at WitchyWisdoms, I write about my relationship with a heroin addict at length. I also use to word “codependent” to often describe myself and my struggles. But reflecting away from the self-help jargon has actually brought me to a different understanding, and it is becoming more and more clear that I am not a definitive codependent, but was one in a vacuum.
Let me elaborate: as a person who has struggled a lot with self love, self acceptance, anxiety, and depression, I have had many instances where I would exhibit reckless behavior to get attention. However, my happiness growing up was not contingent on that of another. My happiness was lost in the shuffle, and I would look for it in many different forms of addiction. Where codependency is more of a trait than an isolated incident, it was not ever something I embodied until recently.
After my rape, I felt used and unwanted. I felt as though I should be discarded because I was tainted. And at that very moment, my knight in shining armor, or rather a sheep in wolf’s clothing, stepped in and made me feel like I was deserving of love. This is where the vacuum begins.
Through a seemingly necessary dependence on him, because I now owed him my life and happiness, I could not risk losing him. And he played the game very well. Rich with manipulation and emotional abuse, he guided me through a very codependent moment in my life. But once I sought out help, did some digging, and did the work, it almost seemed crazy that I ever fell for his games. It seemed like he had dated another person entirely.
And that is what usually happens in recovery. Once you look back at the person who you once were, they seem unrecognizable to you. But in my case, and what my sister, who has seen me grow up in various stages, helped me to realize, is that I didn’t struggle with codependency before him, nor do I now. This isn’t something that is a hurdle for me to jump over. But given my circumstances and a perfect storm of feeling alone and down-trodden, I exhibited text book codependency.
Now this is not to serve to look down on anyone who is codependent. I have my very rich share of troubles that I continue to work on, but this just isn’t recurring. It is helpful to see what your journey looks like from a realistic angle, because spending time working on something that isn’t an issue for you is not beneficial. And while, at the time, group meetings and books on codependency helped me tremendously, it helped the symptom of the underlying issue, which is most certainly trauma from sexual abuse. This year I will be searching out trauma counseling, and I look forward to sharing my progress with you all. Stay healthy and happy witches ( *)
The Seven of Swords represents mental challenges; breaking old habits that have been built after reoccurring setbacks. This card shows the difficulty in embarking in a new direction, but the willingness to start a new chapter.
When something comes up that seems too good to be true, we tend to overthink things, re-rationalize, and convince ourselves out of the current situation in order to protect ourselves from what we have learned is the inevitable outcome. We self sabotage until we reach the end result we have come to know all too well.
If you start a new job that you absolutely adore but are afraid of being laid off yet again, start a new relationship but just know its not going to end well, or start a new project but just have this sinking feeling that it isn’t going to get the feedback you desire, then you have experienced this Negative Nancy syndrome. We set our expectations low and our hopes high in secret, only to prove to ourselves that we’re going to be let down again. Because if we do it to ourselves, it is easier to take then if we let someone else hurt us.
Now it is totally true that there are forces outside of us that we cannot control. We cannot control other peoples actions and we sure as hell can’t control the universe. And that is scary, because as humans we are soft and vulnerable at our core. But in order to be our happiest, we need to show up fully every time we get an opportunity to. We need to show that gooey soft core because that is human. And 9 times out of 10 it is received really well, because others need to feel that vulnerability to.
We’ve all had broken hearts. Lost jobs. Lost family members. Things that hurt more than any cut or burn. But these pains we experience are opportunities for growth, change and strength within us. They offer out two hands each holding a different outcome. On the one you can turn your pain into anger and distrust, or on the other you can turn it into compassion and healing. Which life sounds more appealing?
It is a simple fight or flight response to protect our heart from hurt with distrust. Distrust in another human, ourselves, and/or the environment. But that creates a very small world to live inside. It creates a little sad bubble where only you are invited, and you never get to experience anyone elses warmth because you never give out yours. Relationships of all kinds are two way streets, and you create this self sabotage when you take more than you get.
So try to get vulnerable with yourself first. Its a scary world out there, I know. But there is so much love and beauty to be experienced when you create some room to let it in. Don’t hide in the shadows. Get out there and feel the warmth of the sun. Start trusting, don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t work out, and stay witchy ( *)
In the Five of Cups, we see a man cloaked in despair. He is focusing on three spilled cups in front of him, and is unaware of the two cups,still full, behind him.
And that is Lame Ass, amiright?
Pity parties can be fun for a hot second, like when you really just need to be dramatic and let it out. But there is a clear and evident time for when to end that shit, get back on the horse, and be thankful you still have those two full cups behind you.I know that it is hard not to feel bad and sorry for yourself, but when you do, you are wasting precious, valuable time you could be using to bounce back.
Grief is real and should be felt. Sadness is a true emotion and should be treated with care. But to sit around and whine about how bad things only happen to you and that you’ll never heal from this setback and that life is too hard is just plain annoying. None of that is true and to lower yourself to that level is insulting to your insides. You should get real with yourself and realize that no matter how bad your situation is, there is someone out there with it ten times worse who has already shaped up and is on the road to recovery.
When my little dog, my best friend in the world, passed away, I was the Queen of Pity Parties. Not only had I been reigning royalty in the court for years beforehand, but once we had to put little Max down, my title was stronger than ever. I walked around mopey, convinced that no one had it as hard as I did (a privileged, attractive, white female growing up in one of the biggest cities in the world.)
I didn’t actually grieve. I was sad, of course, but the sadness was just stagnant because I didn’t know what to do with it. I used that sadness as a crutch, because I was already just unhappy altogether. My dog passing away, which, in a vacuum, is sad as hell to begin with, was compounded with all of my other “stuff” and blown out of proportion. Because I was looking for any excuse to feel bad for myself, I took it to a whole other level and basically demanded attention from people through it. Which is super fucked up (R.I.P. Maxy Boy.)
So the point is, there is a stark difference between grief and feeling sorry for yourself. Feeling sorry for yourself takes away from the actual incident and inhibits your ability to heal. Grief and sadness are normal human reactions and are necessary for growth. Self-pity is a crutch. Clarity through healing is an open door.
So get up off that floor and dry your tears. There’s always a way out, and it starts with you taking the focus off of your pain and putting it onto your healing and the resources your still have. Those are your two full cups. Remember that, and stay witchy ( *)