Idle Hands

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The Knight of Wands is impatient and impulsive in his pursuit of creativity.  He needs balance. My mother would probably say he has idle hands, because she used to always say that about me. This was her reasoning for why I always got into trouble. You know what they say, the Devil finds work for idle hands.

A combination of boredom, depression, and lack of boundaries made up the Devil in this scenario. Without a healthy range of hobbies and interests, I used all my energy in destructive behavior. When I was a child I had a multitude of interests, from writing stories and directing short movies with my sister, to playing concert piano and writing minuets. But all of that tends to fall away when you shift focus to unhealthy practices.

Being a teenager is a pretty difficult journey. Our bodies are changing and what used to be important to us are now on the back-burner to boys and popularity. And when you have no basis of self love or compassion, your idle hands start taking control. There is no moderation, and normal teenage hi-jinks turn into scary and real problems.

When I got older, after getting clean, I had no projects I was passionate about. I couldn’t play piano anymore, except for the first few bars of Fur Elise (which no one was really happy about,) and I had nothing that filled up my emptiness. I dabbled in my fashion and jewelry design but it didn’t hold my focus. It wasn’t something I woke up in the morning excited to do. It just wasn’t as important to me as going out and drinking. So my idle hands kept taking control.

What has happened for me now, though, is that my world is bigger and brighter. With the discovery of self compassion and self love, my idle hands have grown a sort of rigor mortis and  don’t dance about as freely as they used to. Instead, they are kept at bay with a multitude of inspiring hobbies and projects that I wake up in the morning gleaming at the thought of accomplishing.

The point is, the hobbies weren’t the problem. The problem existed in that my world was too small for joy. My emptiness could only be filled up with my own light, and I had to find it first. I think it is normal for addicts to go through this change. When the thing that made you feel good and took up most of your time is gone, you’re back to square one. And until you find self love, you’re just going to keep practicing the same addictive habits with different substances, or even with the healthy interests you’re trying to replace the drug of choice with. Replacement doesn’t work. Nothing is going to work until you have self respect and self compassion.

Hobbies are wonderful, and they are awesome and healthy tools in self help. But if you don’t have the passion for them, they become to feel mundane and more like a chore. You don’t want to just plug along and endure, you want to flourish. If you have too much passion for them they can take as much control of your life as a drug would. Keep yourself full and happy by picking things that truly inspire you, that can help you find your light, and that can be an accent to your life, rather than the entirety of it. Stay passionate, stay balanced, and stay witchy ( *)

Being Maternal Without Wanting Children

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Throughout my life, I have been very vocal about my not wanting children. I used to say things like “I’m too selfish to have a baby,” or “I hate children.” Neither of those things are (entirely) true, and I don’t need an excuse. I just don’t see my life including a child.

However, I innately have a need to care and nurture. All women do to some degree. And while I don’t see myself as fulfilling these needs with a baby, I take care of many aspects of my life with a maternal scope.

Not too long ago, I had a big problem with codependency. And while many of the parameters to this problem lay in many different emotional problems, a big part was a need to care for another more than I cared for myself. This is an extremely unhealthy practice, but it was basically my maternal needs exacerbated times a million. I think this is why, statistically, women more than men struggle with codependency.

Once I got through and saw what my actions were doing to myself and my relationships, my needs became more clear and I now take care of them in a healthy way. For example, my cat, who I got towards the end of my relationship, fulfills a maternal instinct. Giving my sister advice fulfills some nurturing. Caring for my friends and listening to their problems fulfills some caring. The only difference is that I set boundaries to make sure I don’t get swept away in a codependent flurry again. My friends and my sister are not my children, and I should not treat them as such. I take care of myself first.

While it is true that mothers will and should put their children before their own needs, that is not the reason why I don’t want children. That doesn’t scare me. I just plain don’t want them. I fulfill my needs in healthy ways that make me happy, and that’s all I need. Stay fulfilled and stay witchy ( *)

People as Vehicles to Self Discovery

The Three of Cups

In Tarot, this card is interpreted in two different ways.

Upright suggests creativity, community, friendship and celebration.

Reverse suggests an affair, “threes a crowd,” or stifled creativity.

This brings me to today’s topic: Peoples’ purpose in your life.

 

We all have people in our lives that we accept, cherish and love. And on the flip side, we all have people that we (for lack of a better saying) can’t stand.

Be it someone who is at your work, someone who is an acquaintance, an ex-lover or ex-friend, or even a “frenemy,” they exist. No one will like everyone, and not everyone will like you. Its a damn fact of life.

However, everyone serves a purpose.

I had a terrible breakup a couple of years ago, and I took a lot of time hating that person. Like REALLY hating him. I spent a lot of excess energy on dissecting his inner workings and just plain despising his existence. And while I needed this time to get to where I am now, where the journey has brought me is gratitude.

Had it not been for this relationship, I would have stayed in a place of co-dependency and a lack of self acceptance. I had gotten over self hate, but I was more in a self-limbo. While it is very true that with my pattern of behavior I probably would have gotten myself into another situation bringing me to this point, I feel that all of the factors during this time erupted into a beautiful volcano of steamy hot terrible lava that, in turn, calcified my purpose.

Yes, this man treated me in an undesirable way. But I accepted this behavior and harnessed that energy in a subconscious place. Once I realized this was not what I wanted, I made hard decisions, did the work, and broke through to the other side. This man was a vehicle to my self acceptance.

Friendship is much the same way. When I was younger, I had a friend who constantly put me down, was late to every meet up, and was very snide in her opinion of me. I wanted to hang out with her because I perceived her as glamorous, but the reality of her was quite the opposite. This was a person who didn’t respect my time, my individualism, or my entirety. People like this hold a mirror up to your face. Whether you realize it or not, this person shows you every insecurity and how you treat YOURSELF.

The truth is that I didn’t respect my time. I didn’t respect my individualism. I didn’t respect myself. And once I realized I didn’t like the way she was treating me, I was one step closer to truth.

In a very serendipitous way, I feel that the universe has a way of grouping us with our tribe. And if we open our eyes to who we are supposed to keep near and dear, then we are both doing our part.

For example, I bartend. I come into contact with people every day. And some are less desirable than others. However, energy has an input/ output effect. What you give out is what you will receive. And if you don’t believe this, I dare you to go and smile at a stranger and see their reaction. Its a pretty incredible thing.

Anywho, I was working one day, and I was in a pretty crap mood. But I had some regulars come in and they always seem to brighten my day. On this particular shift, they brought in a close friend of theirs, and we immediately clicked.

Let me take a moment to speak more to my emotional state at this time:

During this point I was really in the thick of hating my ex, but I was also heavily involved in bettering myself and healing. I realized I had a problem with codependency, fell in love with boundaries, and realized the qualities I needed in a friend. But in the same token, I was unhappy. I was lost. I felt unfulfilled and I didn’t know why. I didn’t understand the journey and was very impatient.

Ok back to this awesome chick.

We were speaking about singing after noticing how cool the playlist was at work. It was very soulful, with motown and doo-wop, and we bonded over our shared appreciation. One thing led to another and we made plans for an event.

Not knowing each other AT ALL and committing to an entire night out together is a pretty rare thing, but we both met in the middle and realized that we actually were good additions in each others lives. Fast forward 8 months later, and our purposes for each other are slowly unfolding.

This woman, in my eyes, is the pinnacle of creativity. She is a singer, performer, creator, and just all around beautiful person. She does arts and crafts on her days off. She always aspires for better. And I was immediately drawn to that, even though I didn’t know it.

Her purpose for me, right now, is shining a light on what I was missing. I grew up a crazy creative child, but through a mess of experiences, I lost a lot of practice in this arena. But after meeting my friend, and a few others like her, a spotlight shown on the empty place in my heart. Because I was ready for it.

Every time me and my friend meet up, we would talk about what we want to do with our lives and what kind of projects we were working on. And now I have a contribution. I tapped into my missing piece. Her existence in my world has brought attention to what I needed so greatly. She has inspired me. And she is part of the reason this blog is a reality.

So now, little witches, I invite you to share in a mini project. Think of one person you love, and one person you don’t. And then, think of something positive they have brought to your life. No matter how big or small. Just think of one thing, and appreciate it. You will be surprised at the effect this small thing has on your overall outlook.

Stay tuned and stay witchy ( *)