WednesdayWisdoms: Break Out of the Breakup

poster

Breaking up is hard to do, but with these simple tactics, you can get through it so much easier.

Earlier this week I talked about why letting go of heartbreak is so hard, and today I have some tips to ease the pain, including a special invite to my Masterclass starting next Tuesday.

  1. CRYING:
    • This tip is my favorite, because I am a BIG crier. Honestly, I believe that crying, no matter what triggered the tears, helps to wash away what is really bothering you. So, if you can’t cry on cue, I suggest turning on a sad movie, or even a really sad song. Anything that will get you going. Because I promise, you will not stop once you start.
  2. Kickboxing or any other physical activity:
    • If you are angry as fuck, there is nothing better than punching or kicking something. Even running or HIIT works too. Anything to get your body moving, heart pumping, and that negative energy out. Put on some empowering lady music, like Christina Aguilera’s “Fighter,” and get moving!
  3. Meditation:
    • This is a great tip regardless of if you’re going through a breakup or not. Meditation helps to clear a space in your brain, free from anxiety and safe from his name. This practice is a vacation from your sadness and worry. And it doesn’t have to be super traditional, either! Guided meditations from Simple Habit help to focus on someones voice. I like listening to white noise machines that play heavy rain. You can even listen to music and focus on the notes, which also helps to heal your heart chakra. There are plenty of ways to meditate that will suit your needs.
  4. Stop Obsessing (aka BLOCK)
    • This tip is essential, guys. Even if you broke up months ago, if you keep checking his/ her Facebook or Instagram to see if they’re dating someone yet, you’re obsessing. That space, that energy, that you’re using to think about him/ her, could be used to focus on yourself. So, just do yourself a favor and block. It doesn’t have to be with malicious intent, you’re just doing it for your own protection.
  5. Understand frequencies
    • When two people vibrate at the same frequency, an attraction forms. And when the attraction is strong, they form a relationship. Over time, people’s frequencies change. Sometimes for the better, or worse. It just depends on the direction of their growth. When this happens in a parallel motion, the relationship is sustained. However, when the frequencies are mismatched, there is a break in the relationship. And this is a GOOD THING. If you’ve outgrown your partner because you are vibrating at a higher frequency, then great! Appreciate what that person has given you, and move forward. And if you are the one that has been outgrown, take this gift from the universe and use it to focus on yourself. These are both blessings.
  6. Enroll in my workshop
    • Last, but not least, I want to invite my loyal blog readers to the Masterclass I am hosting for the month of August. From August 1st – 31st, join a Facebook group, led by me and my friend Rachel Spencer, with rituals, affirmations, journal exercises, and support from fellow women with heartbreak. Learn more about the class here and register via the link at the bottom.

Heartbreak is hard, I know, but these tips will make it easier. Be well, and I hope to see you all in August. Stay witchy ( *)

When the Oppressed Become the Oppressor



Brought to you by another RuPaul gem, this week is all about werk, werk, werk.

In some of his earlier podcast episodes, Ru talks about queens that get a slice of fame after chasing it for so long, and then start to emulate the monster celebrities that preceded them. They become hard to work with and act like damn DIVAS.

Does this sound familiar in any realm of your life? Because, for me, this sounds like what I’ve come to experience when working for other people. And, in all honesty, when I became the person to work for.

When people get promoted from within and have no real managerial experience, the jump is made naturally by mimicking the manager before them. This is the same as a parent/ child dynamic. It’s literally monkey see monkey do. So, if they were berated, mistreated, abused, and overworked, what do you think the natural managing style they will try to adopt is?

Now, unless you are more matured or have an innately high EI, this is the pattern you will follow. But on the flipside, that could hurt you, as it did for me when I became a manager.

Fighting so hard against what I had been exposed to didn’t leave me in a firm middle ground. Instead, it sent me over the line to pansy-ville where I would cater to everyones needs and pick up all of the slack. This was a dire case of people pleasing.

This left me with shoe prints on my back waiting for someone to throw me a bone and help me out. And it was also the precursor for the behavior that sent me down a road of codependence. I had no boundaries to speak of. I couldn’t protect myself from being taken advantage of, all while I thought I was doing the best thing for everyone (which is just impossible.)

Managing a business or department is hard work, but it doesn’t have to be a burden. As the reversed position of the Ten of Wands suggests, you don’t have to unnecessarily hold on to the attachment of dictatorship. There is a way to lead in a structured, yet respectful manner. And you may not learn that until the inevitable chaos of the Tower erupts and you are forced to change.

So, if you’re having trouble with your boss, and you like all of the other aspects about your job except for her or him, just remember that their behavior is a product of conditioning. If they are too hard on you, it’s most likely because they don’t have any other way to assert their dominance. Don’t take it too personally. And if you hate your job entirely, LEAVE. I know it’s a scary world out there, but it’s scarier to sit in a place of complacent misery for the rest of your life. I’ve known countless people to change full on careers between the ages of forty and sixty, so there are no excuses. Any age, any time, you can change your life to make you happier. Use awareness, get happy, and stay witchy ( *)

Master Manipulator? Or Sad Girl?


Truth be told, I got the idea for this blog post by watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

And some of these women have supremely repressed issues that not only keep bubbling to the surface, but end up shaping their reality.

And it got me thinking… are the people that we think are master manipulators, puppeteers, or social chess players really that cunning? Or is fear the one running the show?

Like for instance, at the end of my infamous relationship, I called my ex boyfriend a sociopath. I was convinced that he had all of his ducks in a row and was playing a game with me in order to bleed me dry.

But upon further contemplation, I’m realizing that the moves he made that led me to believe he was psychotic were actually his feeble attempts at trying to hide his tracks. He would steal cash from my secret spot in my intimates drawer, and when I would freak out thinking I had lost money, he would suggest keeping a log of the money I put in there after a nights work or walking with me to deposit it in the ATM.

Sociopath, right? Well, not exactly.

He had an impulse, and a hunger to feed. His heroin habit was life or death, so he stole from me. In lucid moments, he would feel guilty and not want to do the things he’s done, so he would suggest honorable solutions to protect HIMSELF.

Where I thought he planned his abuse, like the reversed King of Swords who is indicative of a mastermind, I was giving him far too much credit. In actuality, he was swimming in a swirling pool of lies, depression, anxiety, and hopelessness, which is told by the Nine of Swords. His despair created the illusion of calculation.

Don’t be confused, that is not an excuse for him. Rather, a deeper understanding into the sadness that repressed emotions create and how they can shape your world. When I would ask him if he took the money, he would scream and shout and cry, much like the girls on that reality show. He was sad. And he was caught.

If you see a girl/ boy/ whomever who seems calculated, they probably don’t even realize they are doing it. They are guided by a hunger that they need to feed, and their impulse, their trauma, is creating a world in which it is the epicenter. If you’ve lost your husband and you fear so greatly that you will lose anyone else, that trauma is going to live your life for you, if not dealt with. It might show up by trying to gain someones trust by telling another persons secrets. Or giving yourself over completely to someone right away. Or isolating a specific, maybe less aware, individual so that you two become synonymous. And that is not creating a bond. That is creating codependency.

So if there is someone that you fear in your life that seems like a calculated shrew, take a closer look. There’s probably some pain there. And if this person is you, maybe it’s time to stand still and face the trauma. Stay aware, and stay witchy ( *)

When Compromise Becomes Compromising

There must be a theme of compromise in relationships; it is perfectly necessary when two people learn how to work together while being emotionally invested in each other. But what happens when there is only one person sacrificing? How can you measure who brings what to the table?

First and foremost, I think I should clarify that one shouldn’t get too wrapped up in a 50/ 50 split at all times. Sometimes one person will sacrifice more for the other, and then it will switch up. The important part is that down the line of the relationship, you both know you will have each other’s backs when needed.

But where we can get into trouble, is when one person is constantly catching the other, and then justifying it with “unconditional love.”

This is where we see the Two of Swords. A message that you may be blindfolded to the compromise. That you are giving more than your partner would for you.

You see, love is conditional. There should be conditions for every thing in life. This is how we protect ourselves. And to jump into a love with no boundaries to become a literal love servant, you will get into immense trouble. This is obviously a case for the extreme, but you must learn when you are giving up too much of yourself for someone who will not respect your input.

The Three of Cups reversed will indicate three’s a crowd, which in this case signifies an insecurity you are making up for or catering to. When it is clear that your partner will not hold you up when you are down, or what’s worse, will make it seem like he/ she will without really doing anything, and you will constantly give 100 %, you have to ask yourself: what am I afraid of?

 

More often than not, the extent to which you will compromise yourself and your feelings for your partner runs parallel with the fear attached to losing them. If I let them borrow money, they’ll know how much I love them. If I miss work to spend all day with them, they’ll know how much I love them. If I buy them gifts I can’t afford, they’ll know how much I love them.

These are examples of extending yourself to where not only can you not reach high enough to hold up your partner, but you’ve lost your footing to keep yourself grounded. Compromise in relationships is healthy, but there needs to be a balance. Take care of yourself first, and stay witchy ( *)

Codependency in a Vacuum

robin-wood-04260

More than an article to provide advice, this blog post comes to you as sort of a realization piece, courtesy of my recent trip and a conversation with my sister. Hopefully this can additionally add insight to someones life who may need it, however, this is meant more to be an exercise in self exploration.

Here at WitchyWisdoms, I write about my relationship with a heroin addict at length. I also use to word “codependent” to often describe myself and my struggles. But reflecting away from the self-help jargon has actually brought me to a different understanding, and it is becoming more and more clear that I am not a definitive codependent, but was one in a vacuum.

Let me elaborate: as a person who has struggled a lot with self love, self acceptance, anxiety, and depression, I have had many instances where I would exhibit reckless behavior to get attention. However, my happiness growing up was not contingent on that of another. My happiness was lost in the shuffle, and I would look for it in many different forms of addiction. Where codependency is more of a trait than an isolated incident, it was not ever something I embodied until recently.

After my rape, I felt used and unwanted. I felt as though I should be discarded because I was tainted. And at that very moment, my knight in shining armor, or rather a sheep in wolf’s clothing, stepped in and made me feel like I was deserving of love. This is where the vacuum begins.

Through a seemingly necessary dependence on him, because I now owed him my life and happiness, I could not risk losing him. And he played the game very well. Rich with manipulation and emotional abuse, he guided me through a very codependent moment in my life. But once I sought out help, did some digging, and did the work, it almost seemed crazy that I ever fell for his games. It seemed like he had dated another person entirely.

And that is what usually happens in recovery. Once you look back at the person who you once were, they seem unrecognizable to you. But in my case, and what my sister, who has seen me grow up in various stages, helped me to realize, is that I didn’t struggle with codependency before him, nor do I now. This isn’t something that is a hurdle for me to jump over. But given my circumstances and a perfect storm of feeling alone and down-trodden, I exhibited text book codependency.

Now this is not to serve to look down on anyone who is codependent. I have my very rich share of troubles that I continue to work on, but this just isn’t recurring. It is helpful to see what your journey looks like from a realistic angle, because spending time working on something that isn’t an issue for you is not beneficial. And while, at the time, group meetings and books on codependency helped me tremendously, it helped the symptom of the underlying issue, which is most certainly trauma from sexual abuse. This year I will be searching out trauma counseling, and I look forward to sharing my progress with you all. Stay healthy and happy witches ( *)

Love Addiction vs Codependency

the-devil

While labels may seem obnoxious and confining, they can be helpful tools in figuring out where you are in your journey and how to correct what isn’t working. So lets go through and take my favorite topic and compare and contrast a love addict from a codependent.

First off, love addicts and codeps share a lot of innate similarities. Theses two types have problems with self esteem, self care, and self love. But that is a no brainer. While these two have similar stories as to how they developed those traits (abandonment issues, familial problems, etc.) they kind of fork off in different directions through how they handle their relationships.

A codependent has issues with control and boundaries. This is a person who wants to care for someone and then takes it to extreme levels, forgetting themselves in the process. They have a hard time seeing their reality and processing it, because from the inside there is no other way. They would stand in quicksand with the other person on their shoulders in order to make them better. A codependent person can find themselves in an unbalanced relationship with anyone: a friend, mother, father, child, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc. simply because this is how they operate in daily life. They are second to everyone.

At the very core of it, codependency is the byproduct of a need to control. And when control doesn’t work, resentment bubbles to the surface. Resentment for their own lack of boundaries and inability to control, directed at the person on the receiving end.

A love addict, on the other hand, treats love like a drug. And while these two behaviors can look very similar from the outside, the love addict tends to thrive on the actual feeling of love further than control.   While the codependent has a pretty consistent degree to which their codependency works within their daily lives, the love addict has surging ups and plummeting lows surrounding their drug of choice.

With a theme of longing and desire for attention, and the severe withdrawal associated with loss, love addicts have a chemical dependence on love. They, usually because of childhood neglect, place an extremely high standard for which they need to be loved, and when that attention isn’t paid or their needs are not met, they come back to that sensation of longing and pain. Where a codependent needs to control an outward situation, a love addict needs internal compensation. A love addict needs that high and feeling of euphoria coming from their partner because it takes away, even for a short time, that feeling of emptiness that resides inside.

Both love addicts and codependents serve an internal emptiness by looking for relationships that satisfy their core needs: either control or attention. Their symptoms look similar and their relationships tend to mimic each other, but the actual motives behind them take them in very different mental directions. So, as best to serve you, if you identify with one of these states over another, you can find the proper support group or book to help you. When you can pinpoint what is exactly going on in your heart and your head, you can help yourself to heal from the pain and loneliness that is keeping you confused. Get out and stay witchy ( *)

 

Tough News

nine_of_swords_by_shegon-d6tsq76

For anyone who is in therapy, was in therapy, or is considering it, this one is for you.

My first visit to my therapist during the tear down of my pivotal relationship was pretty torturous. I went in thinking that I was going to get a “yes man” who was going to agree with everything I said, tell me everything was fine, and that my life was going to be perfect. She was going to quell my doubts and tell me my relationship was peachy and I didn’t have to change a thing because I was right and knew everything.

LOL.

I lived in Jersey at the time, in the home I rented with my addict boyfriend who left for rehab a few days after we signed the lease. My therapist was all the way in Bay Ridge, so I spent the hour long commute in pure panic anxiety because, well, that’s what I did.

I walked into the office and some soothing music was on, which made me way more uncomfortable, and this cute little German lady came out of her office with a stern warmth about her. It was weird energy that I didn’t understand, but maybe that was because she lived in a healthy world of boundaries, and I lived on another planet.

I sat down in the room to fill out paperwork, and when she walked in we started. I’m a story teller, as you may have imagined, and need to give full explanation of every detail so I come across as perfectly understood, so about ten minutes into me droning on, she commented about my posture, and how I have basically white knuckled my way through proving to her that everything was OK.

See at this point, I was convinced that he was going to come back from rehab and everything was going to be OK. The lies and stolen money weren’t going to be the elephant in the room. He was going to stay clean and go to meetings. We were going to have our fairytale ending.

So by the end of the session, which was basically an introduction, she recommended that I get this book about codependency. At this point I was like, “Fuck off.” But I smiled and graciously accepted the advice.

I think I maybe went two more times when he was in rehab, but once he came back I abandoned my recovery and made my life dedicated to making sure he stayed clean.

He didn’t.

So when we broke up, I mustered up all of my courage to pull up her info from my phone and book another appointment. She welcomed me back with open arms, and through the rest of the sessions, once I really started to do the work, scribbled all over that damn book and went to meetings, I saw clearly.

She made a mention to me about my progress. How my speaking and posture have changed and how I just looked so sad and tired when I first walked into her office. Another “Fuck you” kind of bubbled to the surface at that point, but it was also a relief to hear. I wasn’t that right now. I had made progress. And I should be proud.

Now obviously the work doesn’t stop there. Its a 24/7/365 job. But its a job worth doing. So if you find that someone is trying t be frank with you and you just don’t want to hear it, take a minute to digest. They might be totally wrong, but they also might be right. Get help and stay witchy ( *)