Sadness is the Anti-Pheromone

Brought to you by an epiphany during my latest vacation home, here is a break down of the power of sadness:

Let me tell you, from pure experience, that sadness and desperation is a stench. It’s an obvious aura that is just plain freaking unattractive. Harsh, right?

Well in simple terms, your inside dictates your outside. When you feel sad and need constant validation that you are worthy of love, your actions will mimic this feeling. Your unintentional belief that you are not enough will cause this obvious energy that no one (except for two kinds of people) will flock to.

Who are they? Let’s look at exhibit A: The Sick Girls (aka the Pack)

Like attracts like, and when your idea of yourself is something sad and invaluable, you will most likely fall into a group of negative girls that think the same thing about themselves. Together you’ll harness all of this sick, negative energy, and then direct it outwards to people who don’t deserve it. You will be giving out a direct reflection of yourself onto innocent bystanders. The attraction of these kinds of girls is involuntary; it’s almost as if you all smelled the same scent on each other to know you are the same species.

And then there is exhibit B: The Unattainable Man (aka the Predator)

This is a man who would love to sleep with you during a one night stand and then never answer a text. And lets unpack this real quick, because I am an EXPERT in this area. First off, when you are sloppy drunk and looking to cut corners in love by grabbing the first guy to give you a side eye and taking him home, you are not only completely ignoring quality, but you aren’t valuing yourself and what you deserve. This, might I add, is completely different than doing it on your own terms and knowing exactly what you’re getting into (i.e. NOT LOVE.) And, when you can’t get the guy off of your mind because he paid you the tiniest bit of what you crave and you start to send drunk texts as a half assed approach to show interest, that becomes a turn off unless the man is clinical. He may reciprocate to get what he wants, but he unconsciously knows you don’t value yourself, so why the hell should he?

Let me put it to you this way, if someone was following you around, desperately texting and calling in order to get a sliver of attention, and assuming you’re of somewhat sound mind, you’d find that to be a bit of a turn off, right?

So, here you can see that while you’d like to paint the picture of the Queen of Wands, your inner Nine of Swords is far more noticeable than your flimsy facade. That inner turmoil, anxiety, and desperation for love and attention is a sneaky snitch. Your body language, actions, and energy will always rat you out when you aren’t willing to.

However, I think that if this is something you’re experiencing regularly, you have been given the gift of a pattern. You have the ability to notice the pattern, and therefore the ability to CHANGE the pattern.

Play some role reversal, here. Do you want a man of quality, with a real sense of self and a sense of respect? Or do you want a drunk crying blob that you have to take care of in order to get a few nights of sloppy sex?

Ru says it best ladies: “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gunna love somebody else?”

Can I get an amen up in here??

So, to not end on a depressing note, remember that everything starts with YOU. You want the man, the good job, and the fabulous life? Well, you have to start small. Take tiny steps to remind yourself that you are worthy of it. It won’t feel genuine at first, because of years of conditioning, but you must fake it till you make it baby. Look yourself dead in the eye in the mirror and say “I love you.” And one day you’ll wake up and believe it.

And PLEASE don’t cut corners. Sleeping with a stranger one drunken night does not a relationship make. You have to put in the work. You can’t just hop into bed and expect to fall in love. It just doesn’t work that way. Standards, boundaries, and plain old self love are the keys here. And if you don’t have any standards yet, stay tuned for the exercise on Wednesday. Remember that you are loved, you are worthy, and to always stay witchy ( *)

Where Are You In Your Journey: Episode 9

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witchywisdoms.com

Episode 9 is live! Here you’ll meet Dr. Meredith Watson, an incredibly bubbly alchemist who will help you grow your business with integrity! If you’d like to follow up with Meredith you can find her at her Confidence Lounge (along with me!) and at her virtual villa!

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Tune in below and on iTunes ( *)

How Opening Your Heart Helps You Forgive

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If you’ve been hurt before, it’s definitely a struggle to get back on the horse. You’re going to carry some baggage, and hopefully you’ve learned some things along the way that make you a little less naive.

After a toxic relationship, it is super easy to hate the other person, talk badly about them, and at the same time, beat yourself up for trusting them. I mean, it had to be someone’s fault, right?

But I think it is important to remember that, at the time, there was something there that you loved or admired about the other person. There were actually good times amongst the shit, and though the shit prevailed, you have to look at the relationship in its entirety.

When you begin again and take a leap of faith with someone new, it is also easy to fall into a compare mode. This isn’t fair, because this is a whole new person with a whole new set of inner workings, but what else do you have to base your knowledge off of so you don’t make the same mistake twice? You need a blueprint before you can build a house.

What I’ve been trying to do, as of late, is look for the positives and negatives in my approach. That is all we are responsible for and all that we can control. And through my healing from codependency and my tireless work on myself, I can say that putting my feelings out there and being a supportive and nurturing partner is not something I can beat myself up for. It is part of my authentic being, but I should only use it where it is deserved and not at a detriment to myself. And boundaries will help to keep that light alive.

But by looking at myself, looking forward, and opening my heart again, I can free up all of this negative energy that was once used as a shield for my pain. I make an effort to empty out the bad jujus to make room for the good. I understand that my ex loved me the best he could at the time, because he was sick. And I the same for him. And there were good times. But that is the past, and that relationship served as a period for growth and nothing more.

Love is hard and scary. But for every nugget of fear and difficulty, there is a high of such amazing proportions that makes it all worth it. And while there is bountiful uncertainty in the future, there is always a way to forgive and be grateful for the past. Live authentically, love authentically, and stay witchy ( *)

 

 

Why My Mother Means So Much to Me

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In honor of my mothers birthday today, I’d like to explore the ups and downs of a mother-daughter relationship. Such a unique bond is special, and whether you weren’t, aren’t, were or are close with your mother, this is a story I think we can all appreciate.

My mother and I have had quite a ride together. I was always searching for attention and affection, and through my teenage years that kind of behavior turned destructive. I was not your typical teenager, with changing hormones and training bras. I was all of that, but I was also a drug addict suffering from depression.

My relationship with my mother at this time tore apart at the seams. And of course it did. I was crying out for help because of psychological disorders, but instead of accepting the help when it was offered, I ran into the arms of a drug dealer and decided to worsen the problem.

From the first sign of trouble, my mother brought me to a psychologist. I was deep into a punk rock phase at the time, rich with music and creating fashion, but I was horribly sad. I walked into the doctors office and immediately hated this woman because she couldn’t possibly understand me. She made me do this exercise where I was supposed to guess what the potted plants behind me looked like and I rolled my eyes so hard that I gave myself a headache. I told my mom I didn’t want to go back. She said OK, and we talked.

My mom always tried to talk to me. She always extended her arms. But I just wasn’t having it. I liked to isolate and I found solace in drugs. Not shortly after that first therapy session, I found cocaine. Which turned to meth. Which turned to complete and utter destruction.

I was extremely young when I found drugs. And I am not blaming my teenage self for how I acted. I was a child from 13-17 who was totally lost.

I sure as hell don’t blame my mother. She tried with all of her compassionate and motherly might to help me. But what do you do with a wild animal who is constantly getting arrested? I sure as hell don’t know.

So through all of this, as soon as she saw some light in my eyes at the beginning of my recovery, she was right there. She was also there to pick me up from jail and to bring me to court appointments, but when I came home from being kicked out with real sincerity in my eyes, I had my mother back.

She let me sleep in her bed when I went through withdrawals. She supported me in every way that she could. But even after being clean, I just kept getting into trouble.

At some point, it was time to take responsibility for myself and get my shit together. Getting older and getting through college gave me some wisdom enough to do that. But even still, as I’m sure you’ve gathered from previous posts, it was not all rosey.

I put a heavy strain on my relationship with my mother. I have accepted full responsibility for that. At the time I was convinced that it was because she didn’t love me enough and that I had terrible parents. But now, knowing about that symptom of codependency that breeds manipulation and projection, it is clear to see that she loved me more than anything. It was me who didn’t love me.

When I first left for New York, I had my shit pretty tight. I saved up 10 grand to move, I graduated college, I set up an apartment in the city. Things were looking up. That was really my new beginning, and boy has it been a journey. But what the real amazing part was how much my relationship with my mother strengthened.

As I started to find myself, little rays of self love started to shine through. Anger turned into forgiveness. Blame turned into accountability. And hate into love and appreciation. I started to call my mother every day. I started to listen to her advice. I started to hear the compassion in her words that was always there, but ignored by self sabotage.

When she came to visit me when I was still with my then-boyfriend, we had more fun together then we ever had. And when I took her to Grand Central, my favorite site in NYC, we sat under that beautiful, sea green astrological mural and had one of the most important conversations of our relationship.

She asked me if I used to hate her.

We both started crying. I mean, how could a mother think her daughter hated her. And to the best of my ability at the time, I tried to explain that I’m sure I thought I did, but who I really hated was myself. We hugged, dried our eyes, and realized that we had crossed a threshold into a real bond. We were in an adult mother-daughter relationship.

I call my mother every day. She is the single most important woman in my life. And while I still stand by the fact that we aren’t the best roommates, I would never trade that I am able to stay so close in contact with her even though I am 3,000 miles away.

Boundaries and respect are important in any relationship. And once we were able (or I was willing) to do that for us, we have become closer than ever. She is the epitome of the Empress in my eyes. Happy birthday mom, stay witchy ( *)

Teaching Others How To Treat You (Personal Responsibility)

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All too often we find ourselves being treated the same way by different people and we’re left scratching our heads as to why this keeps happening to us. Well, as the Justice card implies cause and effect and accountability, it shows us that we need to take responsibility for how we TEACH others to treat us.

Well what the hell does that mean? This is the question I asked myself in the beginning of my recovery. Because I had no idea what that looked like and that I just found out it existed, I time and time again found myself in unhealthy relationships. Which brings me to the cyclical nature of boundaries and values. If you can not name your core values, you can not have clear boundaries. If you do not have clear boundaries, people will go too far with you because you haven’t created a mental sanctuary of protection. And when you get hurt because of that, you lose further site of your values. This is why boundaries are so important.

I talk about this subject at length because not so long ago I had no boundaries and my life was pretty fucked up. But when I got the help and did the work, my boundaries started coming out of the ground, and my relationships of all kinds were strengthened. If you are like I was and have no idea what this looks like, let me offer up some clear cut instructions:

Step one: find a list of core values online. Write down the ones that stick out to you on a piece of paper and keep whittling that list down until you get to about 10 core values. This seems like an extremely daunting task because all of these values are super great, but this is a personalized list to find out what means the most to YOU. You’re looking for priorities, not abundance.

Step two: cut that damn list in half. Again, we’re looking for values with utmost priority in your life. This is tough, but use your intuition. Your gut will lead you to what is important.

Step three: look at the complete opposite of your value (aka your threat.) See what will come in opposition of your value and make a pact with yourself to not allow it in your life. This takes practice but this is how you create a solid and valuable life. You don’t deserve to tolerate someone or something that completely bowls over your values.

Step four: realize that you just created a boundary. Yup folks, that’s right. The ability to protect your value is the creation of a boundary. So congratulations!

Let me give you an example of what that looks like.

My top five values are authenticity, balance, courage, friendships, and self respect. From the balance area, I’ve created a boundary in which I will not over exert myself by working over 40 hours a week. I need my me time and so I have created a situation in which I am respected by my employer. If I feel like I can’t be myself around someone (authenticity,) I choose to not be around that person when I have the choice. And most importantly, if someone does not respect me, I stand up for myself because I do not deserve ill treatment. This includes shutting down my inner critic. All of these acts take courage, and a strong tribe to support you.

Through all of these examples I’ve tried to paint the picture of exactly what the boundaries/ values relationship looks like because I sure as hell had no clue when I first started my recovery. I am a visual learner, and having been stuck in a black hole of depression and martyrdom, I couldn’t see outside of myself far enough to know what a healthy relationship looked like. So don’t wait around for change. Grab a pen and get proactive. There are plenty of lists online so you don’t have to think up a value out of thin air. Get some values, create some boundaries, and stay witchy ( *)

Accepting Exactly Where You Are In Your Journey

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“The Fool is numbered 0, the number of unlimited potential, and does not actually have a specific place in the sequence of the Tarot cards. The Fool can come either at the beginning of the Major Arcana or at the end. The Major Arcana is often considered as the Fool’s journey through life and as such, he is ever present and therefore needs no number.” -Biddy Tarot

If you read my last post, you know that recognizing patterns in behavior through your journey can be very enlightening in showing how you interact with the world around you. It is a reflection of where you are in mind, body, and spirit.

But what most ambitious people do, and what I am guilty of, is once you realize what you need to work on, you focus on perfectionism and start getting down on yourself with that inner critic.

What we need to do, instead, is trust the journey ahead of us and not rush the process. Yes, we need to recognize unhealthy patterns of behavior, but we are human beings. We need to accept that there is work to do and that patience is the best way to make the progress stick. No one just leaps to perfection because that just doesn’t exist. Dedication to healing and acceptance is a life long journey and, because we are humans, we will make mistakes even after we realize what we need to work on. Learning from these mistakes and practicing forgiveness for ourselves and others will help us to learn and improve through our journey.

While boundary issues have been a regular customer in my life, once I realized through therapy that I needed to work on them wasn’t the second they disappeared from my life. It is a problem that I constantly come into contact with. The only difference is that I recognize the situations where I need to reach into my self help utility belt and use my boundaries tools.

So go easy on yourself. Trust yourself and trust your journey. And as always, stay witchy( *)