How Opening Your Heart Helps You Forgive

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If you’ve been hurt before, it’s definitely a struggle to get back on the horse. You’re going to carry some baggage, and hopefully you’ve learned some things along the way that make you a little less naive.

After a toxic relationship, it is super easy to hate the other person, talk badly about them, and at the same time, beat yourself up for trusting them. I mean, it had to be someone’s fault, right?

But I think it is important to remember that, at the time, there was something there that you loved or admired about the other person. There were actually good times amongst the shit, and though the shit prevailed, you have to look at the relationship in its entirety.

When you begin again and take a leap of faith with someone new, it is also easy to fall into a compare mode. This isn’t fair, because this is a whole new person with a whole new set of inner workings, but what else do you have to base your knowledge off of so you don’t make the same mistake twice? You need a blueprint before you can build a house.

What I’ve been trying to do, as of late, is look for the positives and negatives in my approach. That is all we are responsible for and all that we can control. And through my healing from codependency and my tireless work on myself, I can say that putting my feelings out there and being a supportive and nurturing partner is not something I can beat myself up for. It is part of my authentic being, but I should only use it where it is deserved and not at a detriment to myself. And boundaries will help to keep that light alive.

But by looking at myself, looking forward, and opening my heart again, I can free up all of this negative energy that was once used as a shield for my pain. I make an effort to empty out the bad jujus to make room for the good. I understand that my ex loved me the best he could at the time, because he was sick. And I the same for him. And there were good times. But that is the past, and that relationship served as a period for growth and nothing more.

Love is hard and scary. But for every nugget of fear and difficulty, there is a high of such amazing proportions that makes it all worth it. And while there is bountiful uncertainty in the future, there is always a way to forgive and be grateful for the past. Live authentically, love authentically, and stay witchy ( *)

 

 

Authenticity and the Chameleon Complex

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You know the girl.

The one that walks into a room, statuesque and graceful. The one that catches everyone’s eye.

The one that you can’t help but want to imitate because she is everything you want to be.

The one that is an enigma. The one you dream of becoming.

Well I’ll tell you her secret:

She’s unapologetically authentic.

Oscar Wilde has this brilliant quote that goes, “Be yourself, everyone else is taken.” And it’s easier said than done. Honestly, it’s a pretty scary thing to live authentically. It’s a vulnerable place, and it takes confidence and faith in yourself. But man, that energy is magnetic and irresistible when you get there.

The real goal is to find inner peace with the person you are meant to be. Who is in your bones. Like the Lovers reversed suggest, you may be experiencing a disharmony within. This can be due to the loss of one’s genuine self; when you don’t know what makes you, you. It suggests looking at your inner belief systems and values to guide you.

We all have stories and experiences that comprise the makeup of our personality. Our life is filled with things we’ve glommed onto and made into our truth. And with this journey of self help, we are able to look back and unpack all of these beliefs, remove these little road blocks we’ve put in our way, and settle back into our true self.

Like, remember when you were a little kid and you did everything that made you happy without the fear of being accepted? When being accepted wasn’t even a concept in your world? That kind of authenticity and confidence is pure magic.

I’m not saying to strip away culturally accepted social norms and start lifting up your dresses to show your princess underwear (why do little girls always do that?) but I am saying that exploration and creativity is blocked by fears we have made up due to interactions in our life.

For example, I always had this belief that being wrong made you stupid. So I started to investigate this belief and realized it stemmed from a time I was too eager in a middle school class to answer a math question on the board. I got it wrong, the class got a kick out of it and I got ridiculed. So for the rest of my young life I carried around this belief and didn’t say a word unless I was 110% sure that I was right, for fear of being labeled an idiot. Sounds like its far-fetched, but those things that we make important to us at an early age develop into habits, and eventually, core beliefs.

So what we do in order to avoid being authentic (because, yes, scary) is we create a persona that we’re comfortable in that fills in these standards we’ve built over time. We become the fun-house mirror version of ourselves. We have engaged in the Chameleon Complex. We become quiet to avoid ridicule. We don’t dress the way we want because of what people may think. The scenarios are vast and full of detail.

So start stripping away all of that made up nonsense. Every time you encounter a belief that is hindering you, sit down with a piece of paper and try to trace back where that shit came from. It’ll help you to live your authentic life and be that girl with the magnetic energy. Get authentic, bare your bones and stay witchy ( *)

Vanity’s Power

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Often described as a “shrinking violet,” the reversed Queen of Wands conveys the lack of confidence I think all women feel at some point in their life. With the age of selfies and social media upon us, expensive makeup and contouring, and ,of course, photo-shop, it becomes reasonable to have a compare-complex.

When vanity steps in, it isn’t because you have so much confidence and you pride yourself on looking your best. Quite the contrary. When one exhibits vanity, it is because of the obsession with looking good from fear of being ridiculed. Unfortunately, as women, it’s a fear we are all too familiar with.

I heard a comedian the other day saying that, on a night out, “at that moment, it was like reapplying my lip liner was my key to eternal happiness.” And isn’t that so poignant? That when we have an unflattering cow lick right over our bad eyebrow, we obsess on it and flatten it down so much that our hand looks permanently glued to our head? Because that is way more attractive, right? And because being attractive hinges on our right to happiness?

I am going to be 100% honest. Not only was I extremely into my looks (hair extensions, lip injections, fake nails) but I still am. I love looking like a Barbie doll because it makes me feel good. But what has switched in me, because I found the ability to love myself the way I am, is that I can go to the grocery store after a work out and not hide in shame because my eyebrows aren’t penciled in. In fact, the other day my cat scratched me on my face, and instead of cowering and crying in my room for days because I looked like a Disney villain, I shrugged it off and held my head high because life is life and shit happens.

To be completely and utterly a victim of vanity is not just wanting to look good. It’s another obsession. It takes you from being confident enough to wear a bright shade of lipstick to contouring your face to look like a different person. It takes you from trying out the new lip plumper in Sephora to suction cupping your lips a la Kylie Jenner. It takes you from eating healthy to starving yourself while wearing a waist trainer. It takes you from a few hours of yoga a week to purging your lunch.

Its a slippery slope, and I did ALL OF THESE.

Girls, we have it hard. We are held to a ridiculous beauty standard that is only attainable when one doesn’t have a normal life, but a life where money is available only to make you look better. When you are equipped with a personal trainer, plastic surgery, juice cleanses, facials, and a beauty squad of 20 to contour the fuck out of your face and blow out your hair miles high, it’s pretty easy to look like a bombshell. But more importantly, our beauty should come from strength and intuition, because ladies, we have that in spades.

So check your vanity. Does it have a stranglehold on you? Instead of giving you the key to happiness, does it actually get in the way because you’re so obsessed with it? Ask yourself these questions and do a little digging. Stay beautiful and stay witchy ( * )

 

Rationing Your Time

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Good afternoon witches! As some of you may have noticed, my blog posts have becoming more infrequent. While I used to try and post as often as possible, the time has come for me to spread out my writings in order to preserve the quality of my content.

Which brings me to the Ten of Wands. Today we’re looking at a reversed card that signifies the process of holding onto a burden that is unnecessary. Biting off more than you can chew and finishing the bite out of pride. This kind of behavior is silly and ends up working against you by burning you out.

This blog was originally made to be a writing project for me to spill my guts, while using my influences of tarot and self help to allow me to move my message in a personalized manner. As I would like my posts to exhibit an air of passion over obligation, I am taking a step back from writing when I have nothing to say. I want this page to have content full of worth rather than filler pieces for when I have writers block.

Essentially, this post is to apologize, inform, and explain the gaps in my writing. I will still be posting multiple times a week, but only when it feels organic and there is a subject worth writing about.

I love you all and thank you for following. Stay witchy and stay reading ( *)

Why Pity Parties Don’t Work

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In the Five of Cups, we see a man cloaked in despair. He is focusing on three spilled cups in front of him, and is unaware of the two cups,still full, behind him.

And that is Lame Ass, amiright?

Pity parties can be fun for a hot second, like when you really just need to be dramatic and let it out. But there is a clear and evident time for when to end that shit, get back on the horse, and be thankful you still have those two full cups behind you.I know that it is hard not to feel bad and sorry for yourself, but when you do, you are wasting precious, valuable time you could be using to bounce back.

Grief is real and should be felt. Sadness is a true emotion and should be treated with care. But to sit around and whine about how bad things only happen to you and that you’ll never heal from this setback and that life is too hard is just plain annoying. None of that is true and to lower yourself to that level is insulting to your insides. You should get real with yourself and realize that no matter how bad your situation is, there is someone out there with it ten times worse who has already shaped up and is on the road to recovery.

When my little dog, my best friend in the world, passed away, I was the Queen of Pity Parties. Not only had I been reigning royalty in the court for years beforehand, but once we had to put little Max down, my title was stronger than ever. I walked around mopey, convinced that no one had it as hard as I did (a privileged, attractive, white female growing up in one of the biggest cities in the world.)

I didn’t actually grieve. I was sad, of course, but the sadness was just stagnant because I didn’t know what to do with it. I used that sadness as a crutch, because I was already just unhappy altogether. My dog passing away, which, in a vacuum, is sad as hell to begin with, was compounded with all of my other “stuff” and blown out of proportion. Because I was looking for any excuse to feel bad for myself, I took it to a whole other level and basically demanded attention from people through it. Which is super fucked up (R.I.P. Maxy Boy.)

So the point is, there is a stark difference between grief and feeling sorry for yourself. Feeling sorry for yourself takes away from the actual incident and inhibits your ability to heal. Grief and sadness are normal human reactions and are necessary for growth. Self-pity is a crutch. Clarity through healing is an open door.

So get up off that floor and dry your tears. There’s always a way out, and it starts with you taking the focus off of your pain and putting it onto your healing and the resources your still have. Those are your two full cups. Remember that, and stay witchy ( *)

 

 

What Does Taking Care of Yourself ACTUALLY Mean?

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When we go through hard times, people like to reach out in comfort and say “Just take care of yourself.” People throw around this phrase often, but when you are lost, hurt, and seemingly alone, it’s hard to understand what that actually means.

After my infamous breakup, I found out that I had lost myself so much that I needed physical, step by step instructions on how to bounce back. I didn’t know up from down, or how to operate in a “normal” way. And when people said this shit to me I just looked at them confused.

My world was physical. So I took it to mean that I should get back into exercising and change my diet. Take bubble baths and paint my toes. Do weekly face masks so my skin could be radiant. Basically things to make me an attractive mate to someone new. At least that is what it meant to me.

But when all of these superficial band-aids left me feeling just as empty and confused, I started to look deeper. When was all this “taking care of myself” bullshit going to manifest into a new and perfect life? Why wasn’t this working for me??

Well, when people say “take care of yourself” (and sometimes they don’t even know this) they mean to take care of that sad little girl inside of you that got you in this mess in the first place. They mean to stroke her hair and tell her its OK. And you do that through therapy, group meetings, extending your education, starting hobbies, all in the pursuit of getting to know her.

Be your own High Priestess. Be the guardian of your own subconscious. Hug yourself when you feel sad and ask yourself what is so painful.

I reflected on my life today while doing my morning yoga practice. Not but a year ago I was sleeping until 4pm, rolling out of bed to touch up my smudged winged eyeliner, and throwing on whatever I could find to get to work. Then I would drink all night, make an ass of myself, and do it all over again the next day.

Now I wake up early, make some coffee while I watch the news, exercise, practice tarot, learn German, and write, all before I get to work. I have an actual DAY to start with hobbies I enjoy. I read on the train instead of fluttering hungover eyes trying to stay awake. I live with purpose because I cherish myself. I’ve built a multi-dimensional person who has a well rounded life. All because I woke up, got to know my inner sad girl, held her hand, and worked with her to create a life of our own. No longer do I waste away in sadness, looking for my missing piece. I have all the pieces. Just not all of them were taken care of.

So when people tell you to take care of yourself, look inside at all of the parts of you and see who is crying out for attention. That is what you take care of. The superficial stuff is just that. Superficial. Although, a bubble bath never hurt anyone either. Stay witchy, and take care ( *)

Giving Acknowledgement and Love to Your Inner Critic

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We’ve visited this card before. Strength. The woman, strong and compassionate, tames the lion in her lap with her peaceful energy.

This is how I want you to look at your relationship with your inner critic. You are the goddess atop the beast. The lion is your inner critic; the manifestation of your fears. You can tame this wild animal but only with compassion and acknowledgement. By shutting out your inner critic, whipping the lion and beating it down, you only anger it to come back with more intensity. If you recognize that your inner critic is actually your fears trying to protect you, just in a very negative way, you can address it with kindness, and choose to listen to the stronger voice within you.

Your inner critic is a part of you. It is your own voice. And in self love, we need to love EVERY part of ourselves to give way to growth. By telling our inner critic to just go fuck off, we aren’t addressing why we’re having those thoughts in the first place, and we can’t, therefore, get curious enough to replace them with kind ones. In self discovery, we need to acknowledge all of our little bits and pieces to see why our machine runs the way it does. Only then can we give ourselves some upgrades.

So get curious and compassionate. Let your inner critic exist while choosing not to give in to the negativity. And as always, stay witchy ( *)

Why it Doesn’t Pay to People Please

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A man suspended, upside down, with one leg free and one bound to the tree he hangs from, is symbolic for self sacrifice. His face is calm, but his need for martyrdom may come at a price; his mental and emotional well being.

This is why we need to be careful about people pleasing. As someone who talks about and is conscious of her own codependency, it is a very slippery slope when turning into a “yes man.”

Saying yes to everything at work, plans you don’t want to do, or really any kind of task that your heart isn’t in is people pleasing. If you can’t pick up your friends child after school, then why did you say yes? If you don’t want to go to that horrible party with people you don’t know, why did you offer to drive? Whatever the instance is, we all know when we’re doing something for another reason other than we actually want to do it.

The reason why people pleasing and codependency are so dangerous is because of the underlying factors. You’re saying yes and over extending yourself from a place of fear and a lack of self confidence. “Maybe these people won’t talk to me anymore if I don’t go above and beyond for their friendship. Maybe I’ll die alone if I don’t say yes to everything they ask.”

You see how sick that sounds from the outside?

The truth is, when you are confident, you value your time. This doesn’t mean you won’t do a favor for a friend if they ask. If you can, you will. And you’ll do it with love. But the point is, that you won’t do it out of fear of loss, and you won’t do it if it completely inconveniences you because you value your time.

I know I tend to talk in extremes, but we can all relate to people pleasing on some level. We’ve all done a shade of it on the spectrum. But when you recognize when you are doing it, it is easier to stop and honor yourself. At the end of the day, it boils down to “Do I want to keep lying to myself and others for fear that they won’t like me?”

So get honest about your needs, and as always, stay witchy ( *)

 

The Importance of Mantras

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As the Star implies hope, inspiration and serenity on a large scale, so do mantras for your daily life.

Whenever you feel as though you are out of your groove or are just having a bad day, you can reach into your pocket and pull out a mantra to repeat to yourself to get out of your funk. It’s amazing what power repetition and breath give to these small little phrases.

For example, when I’ve had a long day at work and am not looking forward to talking to more people, I repeat to myself “You never know who will walk into your life, so be kind to everyone,” and instantly I feel better. It’s almost as if this wise little truth bomb is a magic wand for the psyche.

There are many different mantras one can use for different facets of their lives. Whatever is true to you and whatever you really believe in has a power in it of itself. So when you use these mantras to remind you of your core values, you’re just allowing yourself to stand up and take back control of your emotions. It’s quite a powerful thing!

If you don’t have a mantra, search the web. There are an endless amount of phrases to choose from, and when you find one that jumps out at you, use it when you need it. Here are a few examples to get you started: http://hellogiggles.com/5-personal-mantras-can-get-basically-anything/

So start chanting, live fully, and stay witchy ( *)

 

A Nugget on Codependency

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As an upright Queen of Cups suggest emotional stability, a reversed suggests codependency. This topic is of utmost importance to me.

When the love for yourself is contingent on how much you love others, you are codependent.

When you can only love yourself because of the way you love others, by putting them first and forgetting yourself, you are codependent.

Recognizing who number one is (YOU) is the first step in personal development. Without you, there is no personal. Other people are just external factors.

This type of behavior distracts you from you. By being so concerned and reliant on the external, your internal is ignored, and no real progress can begin.

That’s all for today. Remember number one and stay witchy ( *)