Reaching Out vs. Attention Seeking

img_3108As someone who previously felt shame in asking for help, I have a lot of experience in this area.

I used to think that if I couldn’t conquer something on my own, I was a failure. And not even just day to day tasks. In fact, I would internalize my emotional problems to the point of many sicknesses, because I thought that if I needed help dealing, I was crazy.

This, in turn, manifested in a lot of “acting out.” Crying when drunk, doing a bunch of drugs, easy sex, the list goes on. I was seeking attention because I needed help and didn’t know how to ask for it.

But here’s the secret: Asking for help isn’t shameful. Everyone needs help at some point in their life.

And now, that’s why I do what I do. I help those in need. I help rectify bad judgement and steer clients away from dangerous behavior. Because that was me.

So, are you acting as the Knight of Swords reversed? Acting out in a hasty and impulsive manner? Are you noticing that you are creating drama in order to get noticed? Is it because you can’t ask for help and are hoping these outlandish behaviors will force you into it? Is that really easier?

Or are you so ashamed that you’d rather impose your own isolation, as in the Four of Cups? Is there so much guilt involved in whatever you need help with, that you’d rather vanish all together?

I’ll say it again,  because it needs to be written in stone. Asking for help ISN’T SHAMEFUL.  It is actually an act of courage. It means you’d rather not walk around the subject in tragic circles, and instead point directly at the problem. It means that you are willing to stand up for yourself and do whatever it takes. It means there is too much bullshit in the world for you to create more that doesn’t need to be there. It means you’re a fighter.

So, if this speaks to you at all, I’m calling on you to reach out. Pick up the phone, and call a friend and talk. Spill your guts out and have a conversation about whatever is bothering you. This is not your cross to bear, and friends are there to listen. Friends don’t want you to struggle alone. And hopefully your friend can point you in the right direction for the help you need. And if that happens to be a life coach, you know where to find me. Stay witchy ( *)

 

 

WednesdayWisdoms: Break Out of the Breakup

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Breaking up is hard to do, but with these simple tactics, you can get through it so much easier.

Earlier this week I talked about why letting go of heartbreak is so hard, and today I have some tips to ease the pain, including a special invite to my Masterclass starting next Tuesday.

  1. CRYING:
    • This tip is my favorite, because I am a BIG crier. Honestly, I believe that crying, no matter what triggered the tears, helps to wash away what is really bothering you. So, if you can’t cry on cue, I suggest turning on a sad movie, or even a really sad song. Anything that will get you going. Because I promise, you will not stop once you start.
  2. Kickboxing or any other physical activity:
    • If you are angry as fuck, there is nothing better than punching or kicking something. Even running or HIIT works too. Anything to get your body moving, heart pumping, and that negative energy out. Put on some empowering lady music, like Christina Aguilera’s “Fighter,” and get moving!
  3. Meditation:
    • This is a great tip regardless of if you’re going through a breakup or not. Meditation helps to clear a space in your brain, free from anxiety and safe from his name. This practice is a vacation from your sadness and worry. And it doesn’t have to be super traditional, either! Guided meditations from Simple Habit help to focus on someones voice. I like listening to white noise machines that play heavy rain. You can even listen to music and focus on the notes, which also helps to heal your heart chakra. There are plenty of ways to meditate that will suit your needs.
  4. Stop Obsessing (aka BLOCK)
    • This tip is essential, guys. Even if you broke up months ago, if you keep checking his/ her Facebook or Instagram to see if they’re dating someone yet, you’re obsessing. That space, that energy, that you’re using to think about him/ her, could be used to focus on yourself. So, just do yourself a favor and block. It doesn’t have to be with malicious intent, you’re just doing it for your own protection.
  5. Understand frequencies
    • When two people vibrate at the same frequency, an attraction forms. And when the attraction is strong, they form a relationship. Over time, people’s frequencies change. Sometimes for the better, or worse. It just depends on the direction of their growth. When this happens in a parallel motion, the relationship is sustained. However, when the frequencies are mismatched, there is a break in the relationship. And this is a GOOD THING. If you’ve outgrown your partner because you are vibrating at a higher frequency, then great! Appreciate what that person has given you, and move forward. And if you are the one that has been outgrown, take this gift from the universe and use it to focus on yourself. These are both blessings.
  6. Enroll in my workshop
    • Last, but not least, I want to invite my loyal blog readers to the Masterclass I am hosting for the month of August. From August 1st – 31st, join a Facebook group, led by me and my friend Rachel Spencer, with rituals, affirmations, journal exercises, and support from fellow women with heartbreak. Learn more about the class here and register via the link at the bottom.

Heartbreak is hard, I know, but these tips will make it easier. Be well, and I hope to see you all in August. Stay witchy ( *)

Letting Go of Heartbreak

When love ends, there is always an undeniable hurt.

Even if you’re the one doing the ending, there is still an unshakable sadness. On the one hand, you don’t have the person around that you spent so much time with anymore. and on the other, there’s just plain disappointment.

I think the biggest reason why we hold onto this sadness and heartbreak, is because we were so attached to the hope that this person could be the “one.” And whether it came as a surprise because you were broken up with, or you sat with the decision to make the break, it’s never an easy reality to come to.

And that’s the thing that makes heartbreak so gut-wrenching. Because our society puts so much pressure on us to find that one special person to be with forever, when you end a relationship, it almost feels like failure. Like you’ll never attain your fairy tale. Because of an attachment to the outcome and what it means for you.

But when you look more closely, objectively, at the state of the relationship, you can start to make sense of why it ended in the first place. Do you want to live in something that clearly isn’t working, just for the sake of not being alone? Or, even, to prove that you did what you were supposed to do?

Consider The Lovers, who signify an alignment of values. What I’ve come to learn in my short life, is that, over time, peoples values change. And if your values are not running parallel with your lover’s any longer, it is time to sever the ties.

In fact, it’s time to embody the Fool. With whimsy and hope, it is time to embark on a new journey to find a soul with a new alignment of values. It’s time to let go of what is no longer serving you and to find what will for however long that lasts.

Love and heartbreak are difficult to navigate because of the emotional investment. But when you recognize that staying with someone who isn’t right for you isn’t helping anyone, it may be the push you need to finally let go. Take care of your heart, and stay witchy ( *)

WednesdayWisdoms: Self-Forgiveness Ritual

img_2631On Monday, we spoke about forgiveness and spirituality when it comes to trauma. But instead of focusing on forgiving who harmed us, I think it’s more important that we forgive ourselves for the emotions we feel as we go through the healing process. It was not the clothes you were wearing, how much you drank, what you said, or how you said it. Abuse is abuse, and nothing will change until we make that abundantly clear.

 

So, to promote SELF- forgiveness, I’ve concocted a special ritual for victims of abuse (sexual or otherwise.) I think it will help to stimulate growth and strength.

Be well and be strong, for you are a survivor.

Supplies

  • Black Salt
  • Rose Quartz (for unconditional love)
  • Rose incense or Sage
  • A journal
  • White Candle
  • A water basin
  • A mirror

 

Ritual

Use sage or incense to purify the area. If you wish, smudge in a pentagram formation to call in the elements to help you through this. Also, use the smoke to cleanse your rose quartz of unwanted energy.

Sit in a comfortable position on the floor, with your white candle in front of you. This signifies purity. Sprinkle the black salt completely around you in a circle for protection, light the candle, and take out the journal.

Write down everything you can remember about your assault. I know this is difficult, but in a clear and objective manner, write down what happened. If you start to cry, it’s ok. Just feel through the emotions. Once you are done. Fold the piece of paper in half away from you and set it down,

Stare into the blue light of the flame and call in it’s power. Call in it’s passion and will for survival. Stare into the blue flame until you, yourself, become hot.

Take your piece of paper and set it over the flame, watching it burn as the memory becomes part of your past, and not who you are as a person. Before the flame grows out of control, throw it in the water basin.

Take the mirror, and stare into your eyes. Find the deepest part of you, and repeat three times:

“My body is merely a vessel, and no harm can come to my soul unless I allow it. I call in strength, power, and forgiveness to propel me forward into healing.”

Then put the mirror down, hold the rose quartz to your heart’s center, and imagine a pink light emanating from the stone and connecting with your heart. Imagine it slowly enveloping you in it’s radiance, and chant “forgiveness” as it grows.

Sit in meditation with this illuminating light for as long as it feels comfortable, and when you are ready, snuff out the candle, thank the elements, and break the circle.

I hope this proves to open the gate of healing for you. Stay witchy ( *)

 

Spirituality and Sexual Assault: The Literal Mind Fuck

Kristen Johnston was recently on my favorite podcast (you guessed it, What’s the Tee?) and she mentioned an article by Nancy Colier. In this article, titled “Letting Go of Toxic People: When Staying in it is Not More Spiritual,” she details the immense pressure we put on ourselves to be open and forgiving to those that have wronged us, for fear that we have not achieved a heightened sense of spirituality.

When it comes to certain trauma, like abuse, we are taught that forgiveness will set us free. And when we still have emotional responses to triggers or actually seeing our abuser, it’s possible to feel that we actually haven’t forgiven at all.

However, these emotional responses are a product of our reptilian brain, the oldest and most basic part of our brain that is only focused on survival. While you can decide on forgiveness in your prefrontal cortex, your reptilian brain may not follow suit. And that is ok. In fact, the forgiveness we practice should be turned towards ourselves. Rather than pushing the limits of our instinct to be “higher” and more “elevated,” we should accept ourselves for what just is.

If you have experienced this kind of immeasurable betrayal, as pictured in the Ten of Swords, forgiveness is not something that just happens because you decide so. There is a natural ebb and flow to healing, and while self exploration will help move things along faster, you cannot cut corners on healing from trauma. This is because new questions arise every day, concerning what you did to deserve this kind of treatment. And the answer is nothing. The answer is forgiving yourself for every feeling and honoring your emotions. THAT is where the spirituality lies.

As the Five of Cups suggests, it is time to move on and forgive. But the only person you owe that to is yourself. And in time, once you’ve accepted your space and have healed properly, you may forgive your abuser. But, as the article above stresses, you don’t need to push yourself in that direction. Your fight/ flight/ flee responses will always try to protect you, and they don’t need to be shamed. Suffering through these responses by being around your abuser, just to prove you’ve forgiven them, is not helping anyone.

So, forgive from afar. Protect yourself and honor yourself first. You don’t owe anyone contact if it doesn’t serve you. Remember that, and stay witchy ( *)

WednesdayWisdoms: Crafting a Baseline Routine

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Brought to you by a small bout of anxiety and depression, here is your WednesdayWisdoms exercise for the week!

Last post I fessed up about over-doing it on vacation and the spiral it led me down as a result. And under further investigation, I found that it is because I’ve strayed from my baseline routine.

There are certain things in everyone’s life that bring them joy and order. And when you abandon all of that for a certain length of time, you begin to float around in a sea of worry, not really realizing where you are in the ocean. And that’s because you pulled up your anchor.

Now the beauty of that, is that once you realize you’ve been floating aimlessly and that’s why you feel like shit, you can always drop anchor again! Now, what makes your anchor so sturdy?

For me, if I don’t have a steady diet, exercise, and meditation, I will go nuts. I will literally run off of the rails. And it’s very easily explainable. I don’t have proper nutrients to fuel my body, so I’m tired and feel gross, which means I don’t exercise. If I don’t exercise, I don’t get any endorphins, so I’m unhappy. And when I don’t meditate, I don’t clear a space in my head for my thoughts to pass through and it all becomes a screaming mess.

There are additional things, too. Like if I go too long without listening to an uplifting podcast (What’s the Tee with RuPaul and Michelle Visage and Your Kick Ass Life with Andrea Owen are my faves) or singing at the top of my lungs, I peter out as well.

So this week, I want you to observe your routine. What is it that maintains balance in your life? Is the morning cup of coffee from your Keurig an absolute staple? What about midday yoga? A certain TV show before you fall asleep? What brings happiness and order into your life?

Start naming these things and hold them at the highest importance. These are your new non-negotiables. No clients before coffee. No emails once you’ve turned on Golden Girls. Do not let these snippets of joy be compromised by anyone or anything. They are your baseline. They are your anchor.

So next time you feel an energy shift, do a check in with your routine. Have you been neglecting the things that provide order and happiness? Keep it together and stay witchy ( *)

Taking a Vacation from Self Help

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The title of this post is not an endorsement, nor is it something I intended to do. But, let’s face it, this work is a 24/7/365 JOB.

Even as someone who has made this into my line of work and the source of my creativity, I must make a constant, valiant effort to keep it in the forefront of my mind. And now, it’s confession time, because when I took my vacation in June, I ended up taking off from everything.

I am inherently impulsive and emotional. Not the greatest combination, especially when you throw a lot of your personal work to the wind. Constant celebration and parties tend to blur what’s important and shove it into the background. And that is exactly what I’ve been doing.

Shown by the Eight of Wands, a card of whirlwind speed and haste, you can get caught up in glitz of it all and forget what you’ve been fighting all of this time for.

Although my business (and my brain!) is important to me, I’ve had a lot of bad days during my vacation and over the holiday. It has been harder for me to bounce back than usual. And I’ll tell you why:

Your inner critic, inner demons, inner monsters, whatever you want to call them, will always be inside your head. Your job, in order to stay sane and healthy, is to pump up your inner cheerleader, so she’s much louder than those voices, and to shout them into submission. When you don’t stay on top of that, those little gremlin bastards creep closer and closer to the very front of your mind until they are all you can see, and then we begin to spiral.

This is how easy it is to fall back into depression and anxiety, as noted by the Nine of Swords.

Now the magic here, is, noticing when that happens. I felt a slip, and I have to tell you, with the amount of work that I’ve done on myself in recent years, my bounce back time was a fraction of what it used to be. I recognized old patterns, nipped it in the bud, and now I’m back to magical old Shawney.

My point of this, though, is to stress the importance of staying on top of your game. When you’re on vacation, listen to your body and your intuition. Make sure they have a voice, and respect yourself. You don’t need to throw caution into the gutter to have a great time! In fact, if you stay on your shit, you’ll preserve it and save yourself the guilt and shame! So remember from my mistakes next time you want to let loose, and as always, stay witchy ( *)