Straight from the mouth of my favorite website, biddytarot.com, “The Ten of Swords reversed indicates a painful ending which must occur for there to be growth and regeneration.” As you can tell from the bulk of my content, this is a very relatable concept for me.
However, even with growth and regeneration, there is some trauma left behind from the painful ending. While that is normal, it indicates the need to heal.
For example, the other day I ran into my ex on the street. Yup, the one I always write about. After making a pact with myself to stop obsessing over his social media, I thought about him less and less until I kind of forgot how close he lived to me. It seemed like he fell off the face of the earth. Well my earth.
Anyways, it was a completely unavoidable collision at this point. Our relationship, while tumultuous, ended even more dramatically, and in all fairness my participation was, at times, just as dirty as his. So we DO NOT TALK. And seeing him a hundred feet in front of me with no where to go was like seeing the accident happening before your eyes and just preparing for the crash.
I quickly diverged. Eyes on my phone, frantically trying to keep cool and like I didn’t even notice him. But the physiological response of a pounding heart and racing thoughts looked like anything but cool from the outside. I tripped over my bags and held my breath, and once we passed each other I high-tailed it, praying that I could keep my head from looking back.
So now I’m like, why the hell was that so difficult? Shouldn’t I be over it by now? I got out, I’m free, my life is big and beautiful now, why am I freaking out???
Well, it’s because of the associated trauma. My mother, in all of her wise motherly ways, told me that I should be happy because he lost out and messed up and I’ve moved on in a healthy way. That I shouldn’t get hung up because I won. And although that is true, pain is energy, and that really never dies. It just depends on how you transfer it; and that depends on if you even know it’s there.
Right before he and I got together, I was sexually assaulted by a stranger. I had to go to the police, the whole shebang. It was completely and utterly traumatizing, and instead of reaching for help, I got black out drunk.
Then I met him. And on our first date, I blacked out as a result of my pattern of behavior, and basically drank my way through our relationship too. I hid an original trauma in drinking and codependency, and then gained new trauma from being totally emotionally robbed by someone I thought I loved.
I never healed in the first place, so I had compounding traumas being tamped down by alcohol. What a damn party.
So this small instance of basically a millisecond of walking past my ex stirred up years of trauma and pressed my anxiety button. The fact that I couldn’t breathe and could barely put one foot in front of the other was a sign of my scars.
My point is, I guess, that emotional wounds are like physical ones. The deeper they are, the longer it takes to heal, and the more likely it will leave a scar. And you have to be OK with the fact that you have a story. My gut instinct was to beat myself up and say “Why did you react that way?? Aren’t you over it??” But in reality, even if I am, it is still not fun to be reminded of trauma’s past. This is why your tribe is so important. My mother, my sister, and my friends got me to a point of exploration and curiosity, and then a step further to acceptance. And you’re always going to need that human connection in your life to help make sense of it all. Keep your coven close, be kind to your scars, and stay witchy ( *)