Uncovering Hindrances

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The page of pentacles appears when a new skill is being learned.

Recently I took up German. I’ve always wanted to learn this language and for some reason just never started, so I downloaded a few podcasts and Duolingo and have been practicing daily. I’d like to be fluent. Eventually.

On this new educational journey, interestingly enough, I’ve discovered something I kept back in my brain for quite a while…

Growing up in LA, I was surrounded by Spanish speakers. A lot of them being close friends. I would pick up words here and there, and I would use them as well.

While I was learning German on the train yesterday and mouthing the words, I got a clear as hell flashback to when I was playing handball with a friend. I was standing on the court with her and I said something in Spanish. She looked at me and laughed at my pronunciation. I remembered shrinking up and feeling really embarrassed. I wanted to crawl into a hole.

What. The. Fuck.

Was this it? Was this part of the reason why I haven’t tried to learn or speak another language? Because I was afraid of an elementary school comment?! I have had opportunities to use my Spanish and simply just wouldn’t because of embarrassment. I remember trying to learn Spanish in High School and would ditch on the days of oral exams. I could speak to the kitchen staff at my jobs in Spanish but relied only on English. Was this why?! This tiny little comment has apparently stayed with me in the weirdest way. This tiny fear bubble put a block on what I’ve wanted to do for quite some time. What a silly thing that ended up making a HUGE impact.

I always admired the girls that spoke multiple languages. I remember a great friend of mine in high school who was fluent in three. I thought she was so smart and glamorous. But it could never be that way for me.

I’ve noticed this with other things in my life as well. Some things that you take personally in childhood can follow you and frame who you are.

I made this comment mean that I couldn’t speak another language, so I just didn’t. I manifested this made-up narrative and it grew inside me to take a piece of control. That small instance made me lose my confidence.

Since I remembered, I’ve been embarrassed to say something incorrectly. This form of perfectionism has been a means for protection and control over my psyche.

I just discovered this yesterday and felt compelled to share. If you have have an inexplicable fear, embarrassment, or worry, try digging deep and seeing what you’ve repressed by edging through those fears. You might be surprised at the breakthrough. Stay adventurous and stay witchy ( *)

 

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