“The Devil is a passionate, hedonistic and lust-filled card indicating great sex but where there is something amiss. The relationship may be bordering on the side of obsession or it has become angst-ridden. You might also be involved with someone who is not fully available to you, yet you keep going back for more.” Biddy Tarot
Humans are mammals. We need sex. And a cocktail of brain chemicals (adrenaline, dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, etc.) has conditioned us to yearn for love and affection. So no matter how independent we are, we need human connection in an intimate way.
I have been keeping my distance from love for a while. Affection for less, and sex for much much less. I discovered a lot about my relationship with sex in the past few months, but that’s for another blog post. Today is about intimacy.
I’m not really sure what intimacy is. I think it’s showing your raw and true colors to someone. Yet I don’t think I’ve ever done that.
When I was with many a man or boyfriend before, I used drugs or alcohol to “up” my personality. Or more correctly, to lower my inhibitions. I was scared. You see, inhibitions are good. They are healthy. And when you tear them all away at once, in an instant, you tear away your personality too.
When I was with my (many) boyfriends, none of them truly knew me. I was so afraid of intimacy from my past abuse that I masked everything and tried to take control. I used the makeup of illicit substances to create a new and like-able Shawn. Someone who was aggressive and knew how to take charge. But also someone non-threatening that could be dominated. The possibilities were endless because I wanted to be liked.
I wanted to be loved.
I was a chameleon. And I got myself in a lot of trouble that way.
And look, we all want the Notebook romance.
We all want to be Carrie and Big.
But what if our true romance is the one we have with ourselves? What if that big Disney finish, where the frog turns into a prince, is when we kiss ourselves into a new beginning?
I know this may seem so “roll your eyes” worthy, but seriously. Maybe we deserve ourselves more than being ridden off on a white horse into a sunset.
Maybe that prince isn’t so great. Honestly, he probably has a lisp and spits on you when calling out wrong directions. But he very well could be your catalyst to discovering you. And until you are true to yourself, intimacy just isn’t possible.
Trying to find intimacy wherever and whenever is not going to work. You have to be honest with yourself and love yourself first. Hiding from intimacy with “intimacy” is a farce.
So learn with me. Keep calm and get intimate. And don’t forget to stay witchy ( *)